JUMPIN’ JEHOSHAPHAT! That’s a huge bitch.
According to our resident snake expert (Cass Anderson), this here is a Green Anaconda and he warned me not to call it the longest snake because big time snake enthusiasts who have nothing better to do than correct misinformation about snakes on the Internet will act as if someone plundered their assholes with a spiked bat if I dare say such things. Per Cass (who, again, is a snake expert), “make sure to only call it the ‘largest’ and not the ‘longest’ because snake people will get all butthurt over the reticulated python being longer. I’ve made that mistake before.”
So here I am not making that mistake. This marks the second time in my life that I will have learned from someone else’s mistake. The first time was Len Bias. Thanks to him, cocaine has never seen the inside of my nose.