There’s an ancient prophecy that goes, “do whatever she says if you expect to get laid.” I can’t tell you which ancient civilization came up with it or when it came about, but I will tell you that it’s the fucking truth. In fact, truer words have most likely never been spoken.
If you’re already in a relationship, it’s no secret that there’s some sacrifice involved (by some sacrifice I mean a shit ton). Women are fickle beasts and more often than not we expect things to go our way. I think it’s some sort of compensation for not giving us the right to vote until 1920 and/or child labor. With that being said, we’re going to make you do a lot — but more than that, we’re going to make you do a lot of what you don’t to do.
At this point, you have two choices—live the bachelor lifestyle, or succumb to the temptation of consistent sex, love, companionship, blah blah. For those of you who have chosen the latter, this list will look familiar. My job is to offer some comfort. I want to explain that while you may want to drink bleach when she makes you watch Sex and The City, it’s definitely worth it in the long run. It’s all about delayed gratification, gentlemen — a concept most of you are unfamiliar with. Don’t worry, I am too. I want my happiness and I want it now! But that’s just not how life works as you get older (if I’m starting to sound like your mother, I apologize…it’s been too long since I’ve done a keg stand).
Here’s a paraphrased list (because a complete one would rival The Encyclopedia Britannica in length) of the shit your girlfriend undoubtedly makes you do:
- Listen to her complaints regarding menstrual pain (a nice way of putting “bitching about her period”).
- Watch her try on new clothes (not of the lingerie variety, but the pencil skirts and shit she’s forced to wear at work that you couldn’t care less about—“is this flattering?” *in your head* “It’s down to your ankles….so in a Hasidic way, yes”).
- Give her a completely non-sexual back rub, foot rub, etc. because she’s “stressed.”
- Deny that the girl she’s showing you on Instagram is hot (“babe…do you think she’s pretty?”).
- Only go to restaurants that she likes (ideally she has good taste in food. I pity your soul if she’s a vegan or super into Indian cuisine).
- Only watch “her shows.” Including, but not limited to: GIRLS, Sex and The City, Real Housewives of Wherever Gossip Girl, etc. Even if your girl has awesome taste in television, it’s basically a guarantee that she indulges in one of these.
- Pretend to be interested in her “friend drama.” “How could she do that to me?” *in your head* “I wonder if I tried hard enough if I could give myself a blowjob…”
- Have “cultural experiences.” You know, museums and what not…”it’s what grown-up couples do.”
- Have discussions about the future (the wedding, a baby, etc.)—I don’t need to explain why this isn’t fun.
- Celebrate your anniversary. Unless it’s a milestone (1 year, 5 years, etc.) there’s really no reason to commemorate the fact you’ve spent…a month together. We just want jewelry.
Alright, so now that your life just flashed before your eyes and you’re having heart palpitations, let’s discuss why the hell you’re putting yourself through this. On some subconscious level, the idea of being in a relationship is appealing to you. Love is actually a really fucking wonderful thing. This generation has just done a bang up job at succeeding in it (some people refer to it as “the hookup culture”—who coins this shit?).
You put up with this because at the end of the day, if it’s the right girl, it will be worth it. Women can be crazy. We can be annoying, self-righteous, entitled, stubborn, and resemble hell spawn –but if you make the effort to make us happy, we’ll do the same (and then some—because we have all those maternal instincts and shit). This isn’t speculation, this is a guarantee.
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