I’m not sure if I believe in true love. Like, can anyone actually love every single thing about a person? Think of the weird noises your body makes the morning after drinking too many beers or that ugly face you make when you taste something you don’t particularly like. Can anyone really like those things about you, let alone love them? Maybe I’m jaded from having my heartbroken too many times (NO JANET!! I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU!!) but I’m definitely iffy on the whole thing.
However, I definitely believe in fate and the universe giving you warning signs when you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing. Like having you get bit by a rattlesnake right after you take your wedding vows to the “love of your life”. Which is what happened to Johnny Benson from Colorado an hour after he tied the knot with Laura while they were walking to their reception.
Johnny, you have to get out of there. Have you never seen any movies about relationships ever? The bad things always happen to the guy who is dating the wrong girl. The happily married dude always makes it big at the end and lives happily ever after. You got bit by a rattlesnake. The universe is trying to tell you something. What? Well, I’m no higher being, but probably that this marriage will not end well. If your wedding day is meant to be your first peek into the rest of your life together, you must have literal Hell awaiting you. If getting bit by a rattlesnake is just a tease of what comes next, I don’t even want to know what is awaiting you around the corners in your life. It probably at least involves very bad sex. And I’m thinking, call me crazy, that that’s probably the least of your problems. So run, Johnny. Cut your foot off and fake your death. Anything. Because that one’s not ending well.