Guy Gets Pulled Over For Drunk Driving And Also Had His Junk All Locked Up In A Chastity Belt

“Tag ’em and bag ’em, baby” is what I would say to my friends after getting laid if I ever got laid. Men have to own their sexuality. Look at your dick, bros. That’s yours. You own that. You have to protect it. You can’t just let that thing hang around all willy-nilly. What if it gets caught in your bike chain or accidentally ends up on the cutting board when you’re slicing up all those fruits and vegetables for a Health Smoothie? You have to protect that shit. That’s all you got. What else do you think is going to get you laid? Your personality? It’s 2016. Get real. You can’t Tinder match a personality. Which is why I totally see eye-to-eye with this dude who locked his dick up in a chastity belt.

Via The Smoking Gun:

“Curtis Eidam, 35, was busted at a DUI checkpoint outside Knoxville after failing a series of field sobriety tests. Eidam, who copped to drinking four or five shots in the hours before the bust, smelled of booze, was unsteady on his feet, and registered a .117 on a Breathalyzer test, investigators noted.

Upon being taken into custody, Eidam told Sergeant Dennis Smith that “he would need a key from the vehicle he was operating.” Eidam, Smith added, then “went on to explain the key fit a chastity belt that was attached to his penis.” Eidam, seen above, told Smith that there were two keys for the chastity belt. One, he said, was on the key chain in his Toyota Tundra. The second key was on a necklace worn by Rebecka Alexander, Eidam’s female companion. Alexander, 44, was in the car’s passenger seat and was “highly intoxicated,” according to a criminal complaint.

A second cop retrieved the key from Eidam’s vehicle and subsequently gave it to personnel at the Anderson County lockup. Sadly, the court filing does not chronicle how jailers handled Eidam’s chastity belt, nor is the device further described. In addition to facing a drunk driving count, Eidam was also charged with possession of a handgun while under the influence (officers found a 9mm handgun in the Toyota’s center console). Free on $6500 bond, Eidam is scheduled for a July 11 court appearance.”

Curtis for President. This is how you protect your mini-me from getting rubbed all up on by some herpes. Lock that shit right up. There’re no herpes in a steel-shackled dick snuggie. Also, you can’t have a drunken one-night stand with someone who makes you totally regret everything the next morning if your willy is stuck in a tiny version of The Chokey. Sometimes you have to lock up someone/something you love for their/its own good.

I also love how he has two keys. Like, yeah, his girlfriend has one because she’s essentially rented out the use of his genitals whenever it fits her schedule, but ultimately, he owns it. If he wants to unlock that bad boy and do a little helicoptering at the club with his boys, it’s his padlock to pop off. It’s like having a landlord. Sure, you have permanent access to the apartment, but also, he owns and can come in whenever he wants to.