I Got High as Hell and Tried Taco Bell’s New Breakfast

8:30 a.m.: One of the things I’ve noticed since moving to New York is how much people smoke pot in the morning. Rarely will a day go by when I’m walking my dog that a waft of weed doesn’t hit my face. You don’t get that traipsing about the suburbs of D.C. I usually laugh, not minding it, but knowing it’s something I’ll never do.

Then why am I lighting a gravity bong in my kitchen sink right now, forty minutes after I got out of bed?

February 24, 2014, 3:30 p.m. Taco Bell announces it will begin serving breakfast. I feel it will fail, because unlike a legitimate advancement of Taco Bell’s brand, it sounds like something cooked up at 11:45 at night on a Thursday after a blunt was finished. “Man, what if… what if… dude, wait for it… Taco Bell served breakfast?”

Sometime around ten days ago: A PR firm asked my coworker and I to attend the exclusive premiere (fuck yeah!) of Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu.

Yesterday, 9:14 p.m.: Text from coworker, “You should smoke weed before Taco Bell tomorrow.”

Yesterday, 9:14: I turn to my roommate. “My coworker thinks I should smoke weed tomorrow before Taco Bell breakfast.”

Yesterday, 9:14: Roommate: “Don’t you have to?”

Today, 8:25 a.m: I try to hit my roommate’s bowl, only to realize it’s clogged beyond the point of functionality. I begin fashioning a gravity bong out of a Smart Water bottle and my A.C. Greebs’ smoking steel. (Organic plug) (I swear, I’m not a pothead.)

8:30: “Well, if you are going to take one gravity bong before work, might as well take two.”

8:40: I realize I’ve never been high on the subway before.

8:40: I realize—because of a quirk of my schedule (I work noon-8 p.m.)—I’ve never been on the subway at rush hour before.

8:40: Fuuuuck.

9:15: I emerge from the 34th Street Station. I’m already late. Because of demand, they allotted everyone a time slot. Mine was 9:00 a.m. I arrive at the Taco Bell 20 minutes late, having missed the introductory spiel. So, if you want some information about the brand science behind this; or some of the ingredients used in the items; or when, where and how it will be served… go somewhere authoritative. You clicked this headline. You knew what you were getting into.

9:20: Sexy iPad check-in time. That makes going to events so much cooler. Look at these attractive people who are tablet computing at a party. So cool!

9:21: Greeting and explanation of how the event will work from PR Person number #1

9:21: Greeting and explanation of how the event will work from PR Person number #2

9:21: Greeting and explanation of how the event will work from PR Person number #3

9:21: Greeting and explanation of how the event will work from PR Person number #4

9:22: “Wait, how does this work?”

9:23: I get a tray-full of every item they are offering and find my coworker in a booth. Safe haven. Either everyone knows I’m high or everyone knows I’m high.

9:24: Why, this is perfect. I am hungry (I had a long internal debate about whether to smoke right before or 30 minutes before, trying to best gauge a future craving of Taco Bell. Thankfully, that moment is right now).

First up, the AM Crunchwrap. Eggs! crunchy bacon! Hash browns! New, chemically-engineered hot sauce! More bits of crunchy bacon! All in a snappy tortilla. Honestly, it’s fantastic. My only complaint is that I forget there were extra hot sauce packets on my tray until the last few bites. This can’t really be blamed on Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu, except that the mere existence of it caused me to spark up.

9:25: Waffle Taco! Scrambled eggs and cheese wrapped in a sausage patty, wrapped in a waffle, with syrup. I keep going back to the Crunchwrap. I do not finish the Waffle Taco (but that might be because I got to it second. We all know the rules about not consuming Taco Bell later than 30 seconds after purchase).


9:30: And there are three more! OMG. It’s the Cinnabon Delight and a delight it is. It’s like Taco Bell polled 1,400 potheads and asked them to come up with the tastiest thing ever. Jesus Christ, I could eat 100 of these. It would be worth the diabetic leg amputation. (They’re a little sweet but fuck that, who needs limbs when there’s this?)

9:31: I decide to save the last two for later, neatly wrapping up the package.

9:35: Coworker and I depart.

9:45: Ten blocks away, I realized I threw the extra Cinnabon Delights in the trash.

.     .     .

I don’t know. You’re gonna go try it, so what’s left to say? Does it surpass McDonald’s breakfast? No, nothing ever will. Is it already the second-best breakfast fast food option? I’m not getting paid for this, I can say whatever I want (FUCK TACO BELL, IT GIVES YOU DEATH FARTS), but it is. It’s fucking good. And probably perfect after a whole night up tripping on acid. Or just, you know, a normal Wednesday morning.

Also, I have to go to work now.