It is a fact that stupid hipsters ruin everything — wonderful, celebratory music with their snarky commentary and inability to enjoy fun. Michael Bay movies with their lame search for a broader social commentary. Beards. PBR. Sriracha. The Chipotle line with complaints about gluten allergies.
Hipsters have a way of ruining food. Like kale. A perfectly fine vegetable in of itself, hipsters can’t shut up about it, years after it entered mainstream diets everywhere as a superfood. There is absolutely nothing special about kale in 2015, yet people love to profess their love for it like it’s a food worthy of love, like steak or fried chicken or cup cakes.
Which brings me to the most hipster t-shirt I’ve ever come across in my life. It puts Beyonce’s kale sweatshirt game to shame in sheer hipster-dom:
Thank you to @sweetgreen for the Beets Don’t Kale My Vibe tee! #YelpsFitClub pic.twitter.com/UiBBrAEt4I
— Kimberly Van Santos (@yelpdc) February 18, 2015
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.@sweetgreen, @kendricklamar partner for “Beets Don’t Kale My Vibe Salad” http://t.co/79dtcutul8 pic.twitter.com/zSJW8Inv9i — Stereogum (@stereogum) April 28, 2015
Does that make you cringe as much as it makes me cringe? I enjoy a good kale salad every now and then, but I’m not sure I’d ever put it as a t-shirt-worthy pillar in my lifestyle. This shirt is for the Sweetlife Festival, which takes place at Merriweather Post Pavilion from May 30-31. K Dot is headlining, along with Calvin Harris, Pixies, The Weeknd, Billy Idol, Charli XCX, and Bleachers. The festival is being put on by the DMV-area salad chain Sweetgreen. Music is pretty important to their identity as a brand, they say:
Music is pretty chill. Vegetables are pretty chill. Music and vegetables coming together so three co-founder Bros can make a bunch of money by selling out MPP is also pretty chill. Bro move. Sweetgreen has a location just down the street from the BroBible office that David and I hit up sometimes for lunch. The Earth Bowl and Kale Caesar is pretty dope, if you’re in the mood. But IDK… Something about running around with a kale shirt on seems distinctively anti-Bro. Don’t flaunt your preachy, hipster healthy lifestyle in my face while I’m trying to enjoy my cheat day bacon cheeseburger, you tool.
Hopefully someone gets laid from wearing this shirt. That would change my mind. Chicks that dig dudes wearing shirts about vegetables are pretty chill.