French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre probably wasn’t tripping his balls off on acid when he wrote the line “Hell is other people” in a one-act play. Hell IS other people, especially when your paycheck forces you to deal with the general public in the service or retail industry. There are a lot of filter-less wackos in the world who just want to antagonize the shit out of you with their babbling bullshit.
Exhibit A: This surreal viral video captured by an employee at a mall Hot Topic. This space cadet genuinely thinks he’s an Eternal Dragon Guardian of Time, whose “father was a piece of creation itself. He was the protector of god himself.”
The transcript reads like something from a Johnny Drama Viking Quest script:
Customer: They were able to resurrect my flesh, it’s healed. And it’s time for me to go home.
Cashier: Oh my god!
Customer: And I.. my.. e-they even told me my scales are turning gold as my father’s were. My father was a piece of creation itself. He was the protector of god himself.
Cashier: Well that’s good then.
Customer: That’s the thing, people damn power. It’s not evil it’s how you choose to use it.
Cashier: Oh yeah most definitely. That’s pretty much like how everything is.
Customer: But the dictation of true power is lost to this world. I’m returning home but I’m… going to come back. But I’m going to make it that no human is permitted to use power without sanction.
Customer: You must give your soul to me.
Cashier: Oh my god!
Customer: I am the Sovereign of Power and I’m going to become what my father was before my birth: “Eternal Guardian Dragon of Time”.
Cashier: Oh wow!
Customer: My father gave up much of his power when I was born. Because she.. (pause) h-he-his mate was Hecate (?), mother of angels. I was the only true born.. My brethren. Even Lucifer down in the pit for his fucking retardation, he was my brother.
Cashier: Oh my goodness!
Customer: I am not a fallen. I am a lost. I fell to Earth from my own folly- not following that bastard.
Cashier: (exasperated exhale) Wow.
Customer: Honestly look into my eyes. Do I seem mad to you?
Cashier: Not really.
Customer: Most humans denounce anything that is outside their realm (of…)
Cashier: (finishes Customer’s sentence) Understanding.
Customer: But that is my dictation. I do not demand your soul as payment. It is moreso protection that if you abuse your power.. then your soul is (was?) going to be bound. You keep your soul within your flesh but your soul will be bound never to touch power again. That is the dictation of the blood contract. I give you my blood, you give me… a piece of your soul. You do not lose your soul. I am not the father, I have no rights to your soul. But I do have rights to claim how you use my power. And that is the only reason I bind your soul like that.
Cashier: Oh yeah forreal.. like.. that makes sense.
You do you, Bro. Just like Role Models IRL:
Shout out to the cashier for playing along with it and keeping his cool. I almost wish the cashier would have just said “Yep, here’s my soul. All yours. Barely had one in the first place.” Getting out those “Wow” and “Makes sense” is more restraint that I think I could ever show.
Truly, hell is other people. Fortunely other people make for captivating viral video entertainment: