People Should be Afraid at How Much You Love America

Today is about freedom and independence. Think of today like The Purge, except replace the record number of murders with public urinations and drunk and disorderly conducts. Today is about shenanigan-heavy crimes and not malicious crime; this is the Fourth of July in America, not Halloween in Flint, Michigan. 

You have to seize the day from before you even wake up. Today isn’t about abiding by other people’s plans, routines, and schedules. No, it’s about independence, freedom, liberty. It’s about doing what you want when you want it today. So when your girlfriend, your friend with benefits, or your penetration playmate demands that you take her to breakfast you can calmly, and patriotically, explain that the United States won a war against the British that ensured you the freedom to sit around in your underwear today watching a Die Hard marathon before eating a cheeseburger on the toilet at some point. 

Let her go to breakfast by herself while you, like America 237 years ago, relish in your newfound independence. You’re like America—you may not always make the right decision, but you go down swinging hard regardless. Today is about independence, not co-dependence. You’re not tied to anyone today so if that little, saucy biddie from down the street wants to exercise her freedom and celebrate America by giving your John Hancock a squeezer in a kiddie pool, well guess what, you have the freedom and the independence to permit that. 

Swell with patriotism and pride today and honor everything that is American, be it our national debt, baseball, or good ol’ fashioned barbecue. Nothing quite brings a tear to my eye like watching a grown man in an undersized sleeveless shirt devour a slab of braised ribs while Old Glory flies strong and proud in the background.  His beard becomes nothing but a thick coat of sauce and the only thing that breaks his meat-munching focus is to turn up the Bruce Springsteen. I can’t speak for you, but there isn’t one part of that image that doesn’t make me want to salute. I’m imploring you, America, ravenously gorge on seared, grilled, and roasted meats today—Marlboro may have coined the term, but America staked it’s rightful claim to Flavor Country a long, long time ago.

Enjoy life to the fullest on your own agenda today. A lot of good men and women have died over the years for you to have the ability to pass out for three hours in a lawn chair this afternoon. This isn’t Canada Day; we’re not celebrating still being a British commonwealth. We’re not going to sit around discussing maple syrup and dividing up saltine crackers, or whatever those goofballs do on their “independence” day.   

Live it up today and express your freedom in whatever way you choose be it with fireworks, alcohol, apathy, or some combination of the three. Savor the day and have a good time. After all, it’s America’s birthday; we don’t have to be bored in a church for two hours like it’s Jesus’ and we certainly don’t need to force ourselves to pretend to care like it’s MLK’s.

Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan. Look for more of his writing, his archive (which is under construction), and his updates at or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.