How to Get a Girl Back After You Were a Gigantic Asshole, Plus Some Gifts Are a Curse

Q: Me and a girl broke up 6 months ago after dating for almost 2 years. We had a really bad breakup where I called her some pretty mean things, and we hadn’t spoken to each other until recently. Ever since then I can’t this girl out of my head. I’ve hooked up with plenty of other girls but I want this one back. Hook a brother up with some advice.

A: Let’s be honest– there’s only so much damage control I can provide here. Because you caused the damage in the first place and for the most part, the proverbial ball of reconciliation is in her court.

You fucked up; showed your ass with some hateful words, and said some shit that you might not have meant but that she’ll definitely remember. Not the best, but it happens. If you’re really serious about getting her back, there’s one thing you have to display: change. Until she thinks you regret saying and doing the things that hurt her and will truly never do it again, she’s not even giving you a second glance. Ultimately you can’t change her mind or determine whether or not she’ll take you back. But you can certainly try to be as convincing as possible.

Q: Recently, I’ve been taking too long to cum or just not cumming at all. At times I chalk it up to being too tired, drunk, stoned, coked up, etc… I’ve slowed down these bad habits, and have had sex sober, but it still takes too long or doesn’t happen. What could be the problem?

A: Since this problem is a recent development in your life, it leads me to believe that it’s closely related to another recent event/circumstance/person in your life.

Have you recently endured any family trauma? Pregnant ex-girlfriend drama? Hair loss? Realized you’re gay? Bullying for any of the aforementioned things? These are all possible contributors. If none of these apply to your current circumstances, I might just argue that you’ve temporarily lost your mojo. And unlike Austin Powers, you may not be able to retrieve it via a glass vile that was manually extracted from your dick. I’d chalk it up to a rut; just a little dry spell. Sure you’re at the peak of your sexual game, but you can’t always be beating your top score. Take a bye week, and not just with the ladies. If you restrict yourself for a period of time, you’re bound to achieve the release you’re seeking eventually.

And, as I’ve said before, your situation could be shittier; like if you had the opposite problem. Nobody’s complaining that you can go all night.

Q: Just got out of a relationship a month ago. I’m a senior and an athlete, and one of the top players but couldn’t join a frat. The bars are pretty much the only play at this point and I’m pretty damn rusty at spitting game. Whats the best way to score a sorority chick at the bar? Please help a nice bro out.

A: Oh, you silly fools and your widowed woes. How soon you forget how to entice the ladies…or perhaps you never learned.

You may be sweet, Mr. Nice Bro, but for most sratters it’ll take at least a halfway respectable greek symbol on your shirt to get their pants off. Such are the ways of the system. Harsh; shallow; fast-paced; unforgiving. Fun as hell.

I’d take a couple of those descriptions on my gravestone.

I digress.

Sure a lot of the sorostitutes are babes, but lest you forget that non-greeks, such as yourself, can actually be entertaining, nice, and even attractive too. Have you tapped into the resources at hand? Club soccer, cheerleading, volleyball? Despite common stereotypes there are a lot fewer lesbians in female sports than you might think. I only know this because of the staggering number of female athletes I unsuccessfully turned into my “lesbian experience”. Ho hum.

Tell no one, and play this to your advantage.

In short, if you strike out with the Greek girls, fuck em. They aren’t an end-all be-all to your lady options– so broaden your horizons.

Q: Say I’m out having a good time. A couple hours of confidence and some quality game, I’m walking home, attractive female on my arm, expecting a night of debauchery. (Note: I’ve been a [near] perfect gentleman, throwing in a hint of mystery and not coming off as desperate.) However, when that time comes and kissing leads to clothes coming off, she stops us and says “No” to the idea of full-on sex.

A) What is going thru the woman’s head?


B) From that point on, how far can I go?

A: Despite your gentlemanly behavior it seems you’re still leaving room for some apprehension. Maybe you’re a little too smooth; maybe your reputation precedes you. Or, perhaps you’re just attracting the more conservative sector of the female constituents. You’ve gotten far enough to convince her you aren’t a serial killer, so you’re on the right track. It just seems a little more convincing or time spent is in order. I’m guessing these conquests are one-night events– the thing is, these chicks are probably looking for more of a commitment. Or at the very least, some sort of sign that you’d be interested in that. Rather than simply luring her out of the bar in the direction of your humble bedroom, try dropping hints of dinner, drinks or other casual hangouts beyond the next six hours you spend together. This will give her grounds for a little more confidence to let go of doubts and allow you beyond first base. Just do me a favor– try to use this advice honestly instead of to score one-nighter with some chick who ends up broken-hearted. I don’t want that kind of bad juju on my karma record.

Q: What’s the most appealing professional athlete to date as a girl in your opinion? You always hear girls talking about certain athletes as hot but it’s hard to pin it on a certain sport. 

A: For me, no professional athlete is an appealing one to date. Not because they aren’t sexy or in peak physical form and quasi celebrities. They’re all of those things- which is awesome. But what wouldn’t be awesome is how exhausting it would be to keep track of how many other girls he was dating. Call me lazy or disinterested, but I just don’t have the fucking time to go cracking phone passwords and inquiring “who the hell” Ashley is. When dudes exist that don’t require that level of monitoring and suspicion, I just don’t see the point in it.
Now; that’s not to say I find athletes to be unattractive– so if I was forced to choose a sport, I’d probably say hockey. A guy who could throw me up against a wall while balancing on ice skates? Sure. I’m into it. Have you seen the Rangers recently? I’m not talking about their game, I’m talking about Hendrik Lundqvist. Call me.

But that’s about the limits of my interactions; lots of touching and very little talking. Less is more.

Because that moment where you realize your sister’s unborn child would dominate the guy you just had sex with in a game of go fish just…isn’t a turn on.

Stupid, my friends, is not sexy.

I sort of imagine male athletes to play a similar role for women as supermodels do for men. They’re a short-term, enticing conquest that earns you bragging rights for a few weeks and another notch on the belt; but very little beyond that. Ultimately they’ll marry someone who doesn’t care what they’re saying who they’ll cheat on frequently, while you’re settled down on your couch with four kids, a golden retriever and a chubby wife…dreaming of that time you almost banged a Victorias Secret model at the after party.

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