How to Rationalize Your Weeknight Drinking

by 6 years ago

The crux of your rationale needs to be the tried and true axiom that procrastination is always an option. Sure, in the case of invasive surgery or funerals it’s not the optimal option, but with day-to-day trivial assignments, group-project meetings, and volunteer work it’s a perfectly sound maxim to rely on. Procrastination is just an exercise in being comfortable with disappointing people and it gets easier with every deadline passed or “forgotten” ride back from class. Pretty soon people will notice your unreliability and just stop asking you to do things—then you’ll have all the free time with none of the guilt!

When procrastination isn’t an option, ask yourself, “Could I get a few cocktails in me and still be able to do that?”  Sometimes there’s an opportunity to have your cake and eat it once you’re done having sex with it. It’s the everything option and it’s glorious to relish in said decision when your responsibilities aren’t things like “build deck with rusty power saw” or “drive young, fragile, impressionable children to soccer practice.” Being a little tipsy or just reeking-of-grain-alcohol drunk is totally acceptable when your obligations are minimal, like hitting send on an email, remembering to buy eggs, or sitting through a class where attendance counts. Ask yourself when making your to-do list, “What’s the sloppiest I can get and still accomplish all these things?” That’s your magic number.

Always use time as an ally. Having a few, tossin’ back some brews, and suckin’ down some tasty liquid fun is completely fine when you have time to spare. Granted, you do risk being engulfed in that delightfully numb cocoon that alcohol provides long past the point you said you would stop, but, come on, that happens to the best of us here and there. When time’s on your side there’s always sleeping-it-off defense, and a power nap’s always as close as as the nearest couch, park bench, or handicapped stall.

Consider your motivation above everything and be honest with yourself when it comes to decisions making. Are you trading a night out for a library trip where you end up spending the entire time refreshing your Twitter feed between watching YouTube clips of piñata accidents? Is this one of those nights where you say you’re going to apply for a bunch of jobs online, but you end up filling out part of one application and succumb to the siren song of masturbating, then Netflix, then endlessly repeating? It’s a different animal, and maybe a different decision, if you can be truthful upfront when you know they’re both horribly unproductive options.

Weeknight drinking may not always be the best call, but you know it’s an enjoyable call that’s easily validated. Think about it, if your track record of dietary, cinematic, and sexual exploits has confirmed anything it’s your proclivity for questionable, yet Olyphantly-Justified choices.

Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his archive, and his updates at or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.