Field Guide to Surviving a Snowstorm as an Adult
College seems pretty good now doesn’t it? To those still there I would defer to my man Billy Madison and say, “For the love of God cherish it. You have to cherish it.”
But that doesn’t mean you can’t have some old fashioned adult fun. Here’s a guide to make sure the storm works for you.
Don’t: Fire frozen ice off passing cars. This used to be fun as shit when you were a kid but now it’s considered “attempted murder.” What, people can’t drive with a few distractions? It’s called playing in the elements.
Do: Have a friendly snowball fight with your fellow man. Maybe even throw a few tightly packed iceballs at a Stop sign and impress your lady. Tearing your rotator cuff will be worth it just to prove you can totally hit that sign in under five tries. You were the 3rd man in the rotation on your JV high school team for a reason, no big deal.
(Editor's Note: The only snowballs you should be making are the ones attached to glorious snow penises that you will photograph and send to us. End of story.)
Don’t: Drink by yourself at home. I know it’s tempting to just chill in your sweats and drink by yourself but after two hours you’ll be drunk with that weird lonely boner that has haunted you all your life. Nothing sadder than a lonely boner.
Do: Go to a local bar. Storms bring people together for two things, possible sex and looting. And unless you have an irresistible urge to launch a brick through a store window, I’d stick to the possible sex angle. Nothing makes winter more bearable than finding true love the old fashioned way: getting hammered and settling for whoever talks to you.
Don’t: Watch a bunch of porn. Look, I like a good porno as much as the next guy but it’s a rabbit’s hole. It starts with you checking out the latest happenings in the adult film industry, cut to: six hours later and you’re watching the director’s commentary on “The Real MILFS of the YMCA.” Trust me, I’ve been there and “Senior Swim” is not a pretty sight.
Do: Catch up on that show you’ve been meaning to watch. We all know how annoying it is when someone says, “you haven’t seen (insert show here)? But it’s the best!” How can every show be the best? Not possible! You saved your old roommates Netflix login info and bank pin number for a reason and now’s the time…for the Netflix, the bank info will come when you finally pull the trigger on that used snowmobile you’ve been eyeing on Craig’s List.
Don’t: Show up to work late. Unfortunately you’ll still probably have to go to work and getting there will blow. A common attitude is, “I can’t believe I have to work today” and then show up late citing the snow as an excuse. Bad move. Your boss will notice this and hold it against you even though the only reason he’s on time is because he has been sleeping under his desk for fear of his new stepson who calls him Ron very aggressively.
Do: Show up to work on time and then take a 2-3 hour lunch. Your boss will be thankful that you’re being professional and as long as you don’t yell, “You’re not my real dad, RON!” at him, you are forever in his good graces.
Don’t: Start a blog. I understand that it’s a new year and you’ve made all sorts of resolutions but you’ll make three blog posts today; two about the snow and one semi-witty one about buses never being on time and that’s it. You’ll never update it again and you’ll have Go Daddy calling you every five minutes. I realized it wasn’t actually Danica Patrick calling me and instead a shitty recording after the third time, so I’m on top of things.
Do: Make a slideshow with music of all the fun times you had in college. Look, if you want to get real, the fun is over pal. Burgers go to straight your newly formed turkey neck and one-night stands involve Tinder and a trip to IKEA in your recently leased hatchback. Fuck. So why not re-live the glory days with the song Glory Days featuring a bunch of pictures of that chick from college who was in your Sociology class? Sidenote, DO NOT email this person unless you want several texts from her MMA fighter fiancé. Been there, done that!
So there you have it you crazy adult. Gone are the days when you could tackle a little kid’s snowman right off his front lawn without getting tased by your local George Zimmerman.
But you can still have some fun. Embrace your FUPA, snag a little alcohol and hit the town; you should be good to go.