We’re a diverse country, and with that diversity comes a lot of good and also a lot of weird. If America was throwing a house party and invited all 50 states, here’s what they would be up to:
Out in the backyard with a shotgun challenging Mississippi to a shotgun duel where the loser also has to shotgun a case of beers.
Alaska didn’t come to the party, he was too busy winterizing his house and hunting moose.
Arizona rolled in with a solid ratio of guys to girls, all of them very attractive, and proceeded to start railing coke off of America’s table.
Arkansas doesn’t do parties, because it believes alcohol is a sin that leads to pre-marital sex. Still, Arkansas is at home having anal sex because it technically didn’t take her virginity.
California is baked in the basement with Washington and Colorado. They’re swapping surfing and skiing stories.
Colorado rolled in late, but brought more weed than a man could smoke in his lifetime.
Connecticut is at a swanky fundraiser in the Hamptons tonight instead.
Delaware decided to stay home and watch a movie with some friends because they’re kind of broke right now.
Florida brought the keg and a bunch of crab legs from Publix. They also inexplicably have a New York accent.
Georgia is drunk and watching football on the couch. He’s been yelling at the screen for 20 minutes.
Hawaii opted to skip the party to hang out on the beach and drink tropical drinks all night.
Idaho brought potato vodka and is pouring into the mouth of any person that doesn’t react quickly enough to object.
No one knows what Illinois is doing, other than trying to be the classiest thing in the mid-west with her theater performances and music scene, but based on everyone she hangs out with (like Chicago), they know she’ll play dirty and probably just stab you if you make her angry. She’s a real crazy ex that way.
Indiana is pretending to be conservative and classy while taking Ohio back to her house to hate-fuck.
Iowa has been drinking pure grain alcohol since their fraternity tailgate at 7am and is showing no signs of slowing down, stopping or even contemplating the dangers of ingesting enough ethanol to down an elephant. They’re really big on grain alcohol, as well as just grain in general.
Kansas is at Bible study instead, and they have to be up early for church in the morning.
Kentucky is complaining about the lack of country on New York’s playlist and downing bourbon like they’ve been possessed by the angry ghost of Jack Daniel’s.
Louisiana got drunk at home and decided to go out on Bourbon Street instead. The night ended with Louisiana fighting a sketchy coke dealer in a back alley in New Orleans and a trip to the police station for possession.
Maine tries to be edgy, independent and sometimes, French, strangely enough. The quintessential hipster of the Northeast, she’s hanging out with New York and Massachusetts, explaining everything that’s wrong with both of them but also entirely jealous of their random and excessive wealth.
Maryland thought the party was a tailgate, showed up with their lax gear and some Natty Boh and finished the 30 before anyone else could get a can. Now Maryland is passed out on the back porch between bouts of trying to start fights with everyone else.
Massachusetts showed up in a blazer and is sitting in the corner with a glass of wine talking fiscal policy and the Red Sox. Occasionally, it reminisces about summers on the cape in Wellfleet.
Michigan brought his long term girlfriend, Minnesota, and they’re making out on the couch. They’ll probably be engaged as soon as Michigan’s dad, Detroit, fixes his money issues.
Minnesota and Michigan have wandered off to find an unoccupied bedroom, preferably a really cold one.
Mississippi keeps changing the channel to the SEC prime time game and telling stories about tailgates at the Grove to anyone who will listen. They also wore seersucker, just because.
Missouri thought it was a barn party and showed up to an empty field in the middle of nowhere with a gallon of moonshine, a Mizzou highlight reel DVD and an iPod full of 90s country.
Montana brought his horse, and is trying to convince girls to go for a ride on it with him. That is hopefully not a euphemism, but it’s Montana, so maybe it is.
Nebraska is tumbleweeds. Literally, a sentient tumbleweed showed up to the party. It still manages to chug beer though. It’s weird, but impressive, just like the lack of shit to do in Omaha.
Nevada’s compulsive gambling addiction means that they’re spending the night glued to the TV hoping that Alabama covers the spread so they don’t have to sell their kidneys to a guy named “Mack the Knife.”
New Hampshire has a political fundraiser tonight and can’t make it, but if they could, they would have left at 10:30 to get up early for a camping trip tomorrow anyway. They’re big into nature lately.
Is as orange as John Boehner on a Caribbean vacation, and drinking stoli on the rocks because it’s the cool thing to do. Except there isn’t any stoli here. It’s just a 9 dollar handle of Popov poured into a stoli bottle.
New Mexico has a meth problem, like his favorite TV show. New Mexico is binging Breaking Bad instead of being social because it lives in the desert and has to deal with the lack of literally anything to do at home.
New York is on the DJ stand, but it’s basically been a playlist ripped from XM radio all night. They’re probably rolling.
North Carolina won’t stop telling everyone about her house in the Outer Banks and all her Greek friends that drop in for away weekends. She also won’t stop bringing up her boyfriend, Duke. Fuck Duke, that guy sucks.
North Dakota is already a shitshow and talking about her dad’s new found oil money, despite the party starting 20 minutes ago.
Ohio is running around drawing dicks on people passed out, or not passed out, because he’s 6’4 and he can do that. Ohio is kind of a dick that way.
Oklahoma has a serious identity crisis. Is he southern? Midwestern? As a result, he shows up looking like he’s dressed for a theme party, but no one got the memo. Everyone just thinks he’s weird instead.
Oregon wants to be as cool as his big brothers Washington and California, but can’t be because he forever lives in their shadows. He tries too hard to get noticed and ends up awkwardly trying to serenade girls on the stairs.
Pennsylvania, despite her parent’s strict liquor rules, is all about sports and tailgating. She’s the girl in a Steelers jersey and a Penn State hat at Sunday brunch. Her and Maryland had a bad breakup, and they’re aggressively trying to hook up with other people at this party.
Rhode Island didn’t get invited, though she tried to tag along with Massachusetts.
South Carolina is too busy hunting and fishing to check Facebook for the party invite.
No one knows anything about South Dakota. They’ve never met her.
Tennessee took control of the DJ stand to put Wagon Wheel on repeat before throwing a bottle of whiskey at New York and being distracted with shots in the kitchen. Tennesse had to get Arkansas to drive him home, which was a bad idea, because she lectured him the whole time.
Texas is walking around the party with his gun out yelling about government takeovers and Obama between pulls from a bottle of cheap whiskey. Texas’ friend Austin is hanging out with Washington and Colorado.
Utah doesn’t drink, smoke, or even try caffeine, so Utah wasn’t fucking invited.
Vermont was at the family vacation house on the mountain this weekend, and was entirely too busy sitting by the fire after a long day of skiing to make the trip.
Virginia is in the basement making out with Maryland on the beer pong table while Pennsylvania gets jealous of their relationship. Virginia will also probably talk about its political views during the night, but everyone will get confused because it seems to support both parties. Virginia’s friend Nova is hanging out with New York.
Washington is telling people that really don’t care about all the cool bands it has seen in the last six months, even though you’ve never heard of them.
West Virginia is at a WVU football game and will probably end up passed out on a burning couch.
Wisconsin brought a cheese flavored beer and somehow dragged Aaron Rodgers to the party. They’re doing keg stands downstairs.
Wyoming is too busy with his livestock to care about social drinking.