ISIS Wants To Blow Up The Queen Of England, Because They Really Do Think It’s The 1800s Or Some Shit

One of the stated goals of the international terrorist organization/wet blanket club ISIS is to restore the Ottoman caliphate of the 1920s. (Okay, technically, that was al-Qaeda’s specified goal, and not necessarily ISIS’s, but bear with me here, because it makes the joke in the subsequent two paragraphs work so damn well.)

While they’ve arguably been very successful in that, apparently their unstated goal is to ignore the relative importance of geopolitical leaders in the subsequent nine decades, because ISIS, it is being reported, wants to kill the queen of England.

What’s next? Assassinating Woodrow Wilson?


Okay, so, the British government is currently attempting to foil a plot by British jihadis tied to ISIS to kill Queen Elizabeth at an event honoring the end of World War II. Idk why, but I find this story hilarious.

First off, of course, because who cares if they kill the Queen of England? Oh no, what will happen to the waning (non-existent) global import of the British crown and its zero institutional might.

Two, you know that they have a plan of succession in place for instances just like this? So like you ain’t gonna throw the monarchy into chaos. It’ll be business as usual over in Buckingham Palace. Which is no business, because the royals don’t actually do anything. They’ll just wake up the next day minus one royal.

Fifteenthly, since Prince Charles has already declared that he won’t sit on the throne, assassinating the Queen will make Kate Middleton queen, and god, if you thought the materialistic West was bad now, imagine how they’ll be as they attempt to reify Catherine as the world’s literal hash tag Queen.

Fourth, if you can’t foil the plot to kill the queen by the day of the event, you can just, I dunno, not take the queen to it? If you care so much about her not getting killed? From the Daily Mail:

British jihadis plan to blow up the Queen next weekend at an event to mark the anniversary of the end of the Second World War.

The Mail on Sunday can reveal that police and MI5 are involved in a frantic race against time to thwart the assassination plot being orchestrated from Syria by Islamic State commanders.

Haven’t you like basically already thwarted it by announcing it?

Other members of the Royal Family, including Prince Charles, who is identified in intelligence reports as another possible target, are also due to attend.

They will join Prime Minister David Cameron, assorted dignitaries, more than 1,000 veterans of the Far East campaign and their families, and serving members of the Armed Forces.

And with thousands of members of the public expected to line the streets around Whitehall and Westminster Abbey, police fear enormous potential for carnage.

The plot is understood to involve a device similar to that used in the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing which killed three people and injured more than 260.


The issue with the Boston Marathon bombings was that they didn’t know there was a plan to blow up the race. That’s why it caused so many casualties. If you know there is a plan to bomb a parade, and one you believe very likely to be successful, you can just cancel the parade.

Am I missing something here? Don’t tell anyone, then arrest the guys who show up with bombs. It seems pretty easy.

Anyway, Gavrilo Princip.