Let’s all agree on one thing before we get started: Jessica Lowndes is a solid 9/10 at the least and can get it any day of the week, any month of the year, at any time she feels like. Case in point:
So now that we’ve established that she certainly isn’t scrounging around for suitors, ever since Valentine’s Day Jessica’s been teasing her Instagram followers with who her current boyfriend is. Everything from snaps of a bed caked in roses…
…to subtle proverbs hinting at who her mystery man is:
But it wasn’t until the following snap over this past weekend that people started stirring themselves up into a frenzy trying to figure out who the liver spotted dude is that’s gripping her inner thigh:
And what’s that secret, you ask? Apparently Jessica is now engaged…but to who?
Get ready, because you’re not going to believe me.
Are you ready?
Jessica Lowndes is engaged to Jon Lovitz.
Jon FUCKING Lovitz, Saturday Night Live alum and Adam Sandler sidekick along with Rob Schneider and punching bag brought to life by voodoo witchcraft Kevin James. You definitely know who he is and there’s no way you HAVEN’T seen him in at least a few movies, but in the unlikely event you need a refresher here he is in The Wedding Singer (an Adam Sandler flick, of course):
Goddamn did he score way out of his league. Good for him, and good for Jessica for not being a shallow twerp. My head is still spinning, but stories like this make me happy.
Congrats on the nuptials, and fuck the haters who aren’t down with the 31-year age gap. What do they know anyway?