When you try to eat healthy you get barraged by fad diets that don’t work. Companies realize people are so desperate to find a diet that will magically shed the pounds and will market the hell out of diets that don’t actually work. One of the newest health crazes is cold-pressed juice.
You see, regular old juicing had become passé when major retailers like Starbucks began selling juice.
Enter cold-pressed juice.
Cold-pressed juice is a complex process where fruit juice is transformed into a ridiculously expensive beverage using intricate marketing schemes that claim that they are better for you. Cold-pressed juice can cost up to $12 for a 12-ounces bottle.
I’m all for juicing. I’ll shove some mangoes, kale, lemon and cayenne into my NutriBullet and make a tasty drink. However I’m not buying a small cup of juice for $10 that is made of a 47 cent apple, a 39 cent banana and a 72 cent carrot.
Jimmy Kimmel saw the financial and comical promise of cold-pressed juice and opened up his own business. He named his venture “jüce,” a cutesy name that would appeal to gullible idiots at the farmer’s market.
Instead of actual cold-pressed juice, Kimmel served super sugary liquids made of Fun Dip, Tang, Creamsicles and Skittles. These dummies could not tell the difference between an actual juice and these sugar water creations.
I changed my mind, let these lemmings spend all their money on juice until the next health obsession that promises them immortality.