Love is a beautiful thing, especially that period in the beginning before people say, “I love you” when the guy doesn’t fart and the girl lets the guy touch her butthole during sex as much as he wants. Then the couple shares those three magical words and the next few months are even more spectacular: They meet one another’s families, he poops at her house, they go on a weekend trip to NYC.
Flash forward to several years later…
You now split bills and an apartment. You’ve told her to “Shut the fuck up!” in public twice. She’s punched you in the face and now the only time she lets you play with her butthole during sex is when she’s really drunk after attending a wedding. You still care for her, but worry that your guys’ time in the bedroom doesn’t have that special spark it once had. Can you reverse it? Can you ever get back that initial flame?
Probably not.
But there are a few tricks you can do to get her blood pumping a bit like old times. But you have go down deep within and ask yourself, “How bad do I want to touch her butthole?”
1. Somehow convince her that there is another girl (preferably more attractive than her) that wants to fuck you.
It’s pretty common knowledge that girls are created out of pure evil and a little bit of that dark inner jealousy can go a long way. If there are no girls who want a piece of your powerbone you could always get all “catfishy” and start a social media page of a model-esque beauty and use that one to comment on your own. Just be careful not to fall in love with your own fake profile. That would be really weird.
2. Become a millionaire.
This one’s a bit tricky and I’m still trying to figure it out.
3. Watch porn together.
Girls sort of like porn too. Not in the running-late-for-work-because-I-had-to-crank-one-out way that we do, but it can turn them on. Just be weary of your selection. You are a seasoned veteran of porn’s front lines. You’ve seen unspeakable atrocities that you live with everyday. You can’t have them storming Normandy with you on the first go around. Try to find something gentle to ease them into your desolate world of self indulgence. Pro tip: Definitely no transgender porn on the first go around. They’re not ready.
4. Take her dancing.
Girls love being surprised with a night out dancing. It’s not so much that they enjoy dancing with you as much as being able to brag to their friends about being surprised with a night out. Braggy stories are an ancient form of girl currency they use to make their friends hate their lives, though there is something to be said for rubbing your boner on her butt to some Lil Jon like old times.
5. Invite some swingers over.
This one can be very tough to navigate. Not to ruin your Eyes Wide Shut fantasy but most swingers are unattractive weirdoes. You don’t want any of these sleaze machines laying hands on your woman. Though what you can do is invite them into your home, and then pull the swinger guy off of your girl and ravage him from behind while maintaining eye contact with your lady during the entire 2 or 3 minutes that you last. It’s the ultimate way to prove your Alpha dominance in her life.
6. Buy her a bunch of stuff.
Sorry. It’s just the way it is.
7. Get her near her parents bedroom.
There’s nothing a girl loves more than to soil her own parents’ bedroom with a bit of naughty business of her own. Scientists have (not) been studying this for years and no one knows the reason for this type of behavior. Just know if you have a daughter she will one day bone some doofus in your bed. Sorry.
8. Take her on vacation
Vacation sex is the best sex you will ever have with your long term significant other. It’s almost as if they land in Punta Canta and immediately go into the bathroom and put on a completely different pussy. They claim it’s because they’re more relaxed and less stressed, but really it’s because they’re getting off on all those pictures they get to put up on Facebook of their legs on the beach and stuff. Again, and I can’t stress this enough, anytime you present her with an opportunity to make other girls sad she will unlock the box and reward you.
9. Get a better dick.
Lololol! Sorry that was mean.
10. Wait for Valentine’s Day
Yup. It’s one of the few sacred rules girls actually honor. They will always have sex with you on Valentine’s day. Don’t totally understand it myself, but I just make sure to have some flowers and chocolate handy and enjoy some of the good old enthusiastic sex from the days of old.
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