Today You Learned That Kim Jong-un Drinks Snake Venom To Improve His Sperm

North-korea-dick

Wikipedia and Shutterstock


Being a crazy, malevolent dictator ain’t easy. Ain’t easy at all. If it were, everyone would do it. There’s lots of responsibility. You’ve got uprisings to suppress and labor camps to run and an economy to sink, all while projecting to the world that you are so goddamn insane no one should ever fuck with you.

One way to let the world know you are completely nuts, the kind of leader who wouldn’t hesitate to hurl a nuke at Japan just to see if it explodes, is to leak a story that to improve your sperm count, you drink wine fortified with the dead, rotting bodies of venomous snakes.

That’s good crazy. “That’s something a normal person wouldn’t do,” world leaders will say. “Best go easy on the sanctions.”

So congrats to Kim Jong-un for successfully letting us all know he forgot there exists a rational part of the brain.

Not only is North Korea’s leader apparently impotent (which should really keep him level-headed and won’t make him even think about using his military to compensate for his manhood), he’s apparently trying every cockamamie remedy under the sun to conceive an heir, who can get to the family business of brutalizing the North Korean people (“Can’t ever let those North Koreans not be brutalized,” is a saying in the Kim Jong family). From Metro:

North Korean despot Kim Jong-un has been guzzling pint after pint of ‘snake wine’, with the body of a dead cobra in the bottle – in a vain attempt to restore life to genitals he may not have seen for years due to his vast bulk.

Locals believe that the meaty brew increases the size of a man’s manhood – and improves chances of pregnancy.

Kim believes that glugging litres of wine, mixed with rotting flesh and venom could be just the ticket to restore his virility and father a sibling for daughter Ju-ae, two.

Jong-un also has a penchant for gluttony, which is a necessity for any good dictator whose country’s populace is starving.

Kim has piled on enormous amounts of weight after bingeing on Emmenthal cheese and Johnnie Walker whisky, and the 31-year-old is struggling to father a child with his lucky young wife, Ri Joi-Su, 22.

Jong-un was first exposed to Emmenthal while studying in Switzerland as a young man, and his fondness for the cheese is said to have rapidly escalated into dependence.

His ballooning weight is thought to be a result of daily binges on the cheese, which is used in fondues, gratins, raclettes and sandwiches.

You couldn’t script a better hedonistic dictator. Dependent upon cheese. Best of luck, though. We here at BroBible sincerely hope you don’t impregnate your wife, both because we think your lineage should die out, but also because it would be fun to see what crazy shit you do after you failing again and again.

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