It Needs To Be Asked: Did We Rendezvous With A Comet This Week Or An Alien Spaceship?

The space world rejoiced this week with the news that a ten-year long comet exploration project was a resounding success.

Back in 2004, the European Space Agency launched the probe Rosetta, which flew for almost four billion miles to rendezvous with the comet 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko. It would orbit the comet and study it as it swung around our solar system.

Part of the mission included sending a probe, named Philae, down to the comet to drill into its core and determine its chemical composition. Find out if comets coulda brought life to Earth. That mission was slightly less successful, as the teeny probe couldn’t properly latch onto the comet and landed in an incorrect spot. Now it’s stuck behind a cliff and is unable to charge up its solar panels.

Still, officials are calling the entire thing a triumphant achievement. Which, sounds like it. People landed on a comet.

Okay, that’s the official story. Do you buy any of that? Because that ain’t the fuck what happened. You think back in the early 2000s people were interested in seeing comets? No. If someone was like “Hey, let’s go look at a comet,” you’d be like, “Fuck that.” You had shit to do, like listen to Lit. That’s what people did in the early 2000s. Not dream about comets.

So why did the Europeans send a probe when nobody gave a fuck? To advance scientific progress even in the face of an apathetic audience? Or, because that’s no moon.


The Guardian reached out for the truth, and this is what they found:

According to an email published on the website – which does a regular trade in alien sightings – this mission is part of a European Space Agency and Nasa cover-up to disguise the comet’s true alien nature. The email, allegedly from a secret whistle-blowing employee of the ESA, accuses the agency of “blatant cover-ups” in wanting to land on the speeding comet and attaches photos which claim to reveal the “true inner workings of Comet 67P”.

It states: “Do not think for ONE MOMENT that a space agency would suddenly decide to spend billions of dollars to build and send a spacecraft on a 12-year journey to simply take some close-up images of a randomly picked out comet floating in space.”


“Comet 67P is NOT a comet,” the letter continues. “Some 20 years ago Nasa began detecting radio bursts from an unknown origin out in space. It would later be known that these had likely come from the direction of the now named comet 67P. It does show signs on its outside of machine like parts and unnatural terrain.”

You’re damn right it did. That is the fucking thing from Independence Day and it is heading right for us. If it wasn’t, why is it making a noise? ROCKS DON’T MAKE NOISES.

ESA’s confirmation that the comet had been emitting a “mystery song” has fuelled theories that it is in fact an alien ship and the warbling is an extra-terrestrial attempt at communication.

Writing on the website, Scott Waring professed that: “In my opinion this is not a code. It is how a species of aliens communicate to one another without speaking. A form of telepathy put into primitive radio signals. Its the only way this species can communicate to us. This is their thoughts. They don’t talk.”

YEA. Listen to this noise and tell me what it sounds like.

A countdown.