There Is A Lizard Man Roaming The Streets Of South Carolina And If This Isn’t A Hoax It’s TERRIFYING

Let’s pretend for a minute that Lizard Man isn’t the crock-of-shit hoax that he is. How scary would that be? Hell, I’ll go on record saying that if I spotted a roided up, red-eyed, 7-foot tall lizard while I was going about my day, I would stop what I was doing and immediately dump in my pants. I’d take scare dumps for weeks after the fact, too. My wife would be all like, “did you shit the bed again, Jason?” and I’d be all like, “Yeah, but this time it’s because I was thinking about Lizard Man, so it’s cool, right?”

But it is a hoax. Or at least I think it is. Look at this photo below and try to tell me otherwise. Please do it. I beg you to state your case as to how a lizard could get this horrifyingly jacked. Maybe he finally started hitting the weights with He-Man after all these years.

Some of the fine people of South Carolina might disagree with my hoax claims.

According to the NY Daily News:

The Lizard Man of South Carolina is back — if you believe in such things.

A woman says she spotted the much-discussed “creature” near church in Sumter on Sunday. She even snapped a photo.

“My hand to God, I am not making this up,” the woman wrote to ABC News 4. “So excited!”

An unidentified man claims to have shot video of the local celebrity.

“I saw your lizard man story and it’s given me the courage to send you a video I took in early May,” he wrote to the station. “Though my wife believes me that it’s real, she said she would be embarrassed that everyone would think I was a loon so I kept it a secret.”

“If you’re wondering I absolutely believe it’s real,” he continued. “… when it noticed me I high tailed it out.”

One of two things is happening in South Carolina right now: One, the Lizard Man is real and he’s come out of hiding because he’s in desperate need of Visine. Two, some cocksucker with time to burn is running around town in a unreasonably shredded lizard costume, getting his jollies from scaring the shit out of locals. Now, which one sounds the most plausible to you?