Loser Kids These Days Don’t Drink No Beer No More

I am an avowed fan of bourbon. I believe a day that doesn’t end with a glass of bourbon in bed is a day poorly ended. (And yes, I drink bourbon in bed. It’s baller. Shut the fuck up. You wish you were as confident in yourself.)

I also drink beer every day. Beer is delicious. It is crisp and refreshing and relaxing and I like it even better than bourbon after a hard day spent blogging on the internet.

But you know who doesn’t like beer no more? Kids these days. According to the Washington Postkids these days just aren’t drinking beer.

The percentage of twenty-somethings who prefer beer to other alcohol has fallen drastically over the past two decades, according to a new study published by Goldman Sachs Investment Research. Just twenty years ago, nearly three-quarters of youths aged 18 to 29 said they liked beer best. Today, after years of steady decline, the percentage of young beer lovers is down to just 40 percent.

I didn’t become a hardcore whiskey drinker until my late 20s, so for the majority of that time in my life, I would have said I loved beer best. And that’s what you kids should love. Beer is fun and enjoyable. You’re in your 20s. Have some beer! Hard liquor is for when the livings gotten to you. When you are depressed and dejected and all that jazz. You know, 31.

What’s behind the shift? Well, I would blame the recession. Life’s been harder for everyone these days, hence harder drinking. There are other reasons too, though, better researched reasons than mine.

It’s hard to pin beer’s waning popularity on anything specific. As The Atlantic’s Derek Thompson noted last year, the rise of health narratives, which have demonized more caloric food and drinks likely hasn’t helped. Neither have economic collapses, like the recession, which appears to have had a noticeable effect on beer sales (possibly because beer is a relatively inefficient way to get a buzz). There’s also the fact that in the mid-1990s, a ban was lifted on ads from hard alcohol makers. “Since that time, spirits have been steadily gaining share in the U.S.,” Thomas Mullarkey, a market analyst with Morningstar, told MarketWatch earlier this year.

Well, kids are dumb and impressionable, so maybe ads do work. I like the recession narrative, though not for the reason the Post gave. It’s not because hard liquor is a cheaper way to get drunk, but because it’s a drunk that makes you feel less bad about not having a job. Beer, that’s a working man’s drink, and if there’s anything we know about the kids these days, it’s that they ain’t worked a day in their life.

A fucking 23-year-old whiskey snob. Give me a break.