This Craigslist Ad that a reader sent us for a 1999 Ford F350 XLT CrewCab 7.3L Turbo Diesel with 4wd is something special. What I gather from reading the ad is if you want a swift kick in the dick, because PAIN DON’T HURT, you need to buy this 1000-year-old truck.
This truck is for sale.
It stinks of America.
You’re not a fucking communist.
Ipso facto, you will make the gentleman who is selling it a fair offer.
That’s all there is to it.
Per the Craigslist Ad (which is so outrageous it will likely be flagged for removal in minutes):
1999 Ford F350 XLT CrewCab 7.3L Turbo Diesel 4wd – $14500 obo
When God sat down to rest on the seventh day and looked at the world he created he thought to himself there was far too much fluff…far too many poofy clouds, rolling hills, some idiot named Justin Bieber and the musical sounds of Drake. Something needed to be done to make God’s creation tougher and more badass…so he created Chuck Norris, Bud Heavy, Grizzly Long Cut and the 1999 Ford F350 XLT CrewCab 7.3L Turbo Diesel 4wd.
This truck is not just a little slice of heaven, but it is a hulking Red, White and Blue chunk of America. The common folk say the name Ford derives from the man who created the brand, but these plebes know nothing, as Ford really is an acronym for Fackin.Outrageous.Rig.Dude. Truly this masterpiece of American engineering epitomizes the real Ford name…
But I digress…the Ford you see before you comes complete with a tow package…so you can rest assured you will be able to haul all the lumber, rocks, corpses and psychological baggage that life can throw your way. Simply put this Ford can tow a truck load of shite…
This truck doesn’t stop there, because (brace yourself) this beast comes equipped with Ford’s 7.3L diesel engine…yes you heard me correct. Over the years this engine has reached a mythical status that would make Sasquatch seem like just another Kardashian…I might actually be on to something here…Either way, this engine is widely regarded as the best Ford ever produced; it is bulletproof, the thing of dreams…really really hot wet nasty dreams. This monster is both powerful and reliable, it is basically the four-hour-plus erection of engines…side note, I dare you to not drive this without an erection, it simply cannot be done. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and this engine was only produced for about 4 or 5 years…replaced by a 6.0L slap in the face.
Moving forward…Check out the specs and history of this Facking.Outrageous.Rig.Dude.
126,XXX glorious sexy bada$$ American miles
White Exterior – like the snowy peaks of the Rocky Mountains on an ice cold can of Coors Light
Brown/Tan Interior – so bronzed it makes Snookie look like a pale freak
Seats: 6 – If you actually had friends this would come in handy I guess
New tires – fresher rubber than that expired condom in your wallet…let’s be honest you’re never gonna need that, ever.
New Rotors – If you think Helicopter when reading this then you don’t deserve this truck…move along please
New Brake Pads – these bad boys can halt the truck faster than a herpes sore in an orgy
New Fluids – thirsty? Take a sip…you won’t.
Oil Replaced less than 200 miles ago
Single Disc CD Player – Don’t even think about playing any Drake or Katy Perry on this thing…I will know if you do…and I will send Liam Neeson to find you
8 foot Bed – Because size really does matter you pansy
A/C and Heat — Your nuts will cease to exist when you crank this A/C and the heat works so well I guarantee you will cut at least 10 pounds…we all know you need it.
Power Windows and Locks — Because after all it is the 21st century you stupid Neanderthal
Title in hand – Careful these edges are sharp and I am not liable for any paper cuts that result from title handoff
Recent use has included transporting two motorcycles to and from the track in Lancaster, CA — about seven times a year for one full year. (100 miles each way)
Prior to that this bad boy rested in my Dad’s warehouse as a relic to a better time…when America wasn’t full of whiners. He bought this chunk of Manifest Destiny for his construction company in 1999, but for the last 3-4 years we only saddled up our gallant steed about five times a year to haul a boat and some hoes (the two go hand in hand). I commandeered this rig for my time out west here, but now I really have no need for it since I’m constantly crushing the endless minj that comes with owning a motorcycle.
This Ford is in excellent condition and the rear differential was serviced about 5,000 miles ago. The only rust spot (which is pictured here) is above the rear wheel well. Besides that this sucker has no leaks, creaks or problems…I bet you wish you could say the same about your a$$hole…
I helped pick this beast out when I was 9…I know I had excellent taste as a child, right? Now, 16 years later I think it is time to move on to a smaller truck or an SUV with a trailer. I guess this is a lot like dumping the middle-aged big-breasted MILF you have been banging since you were a teen…time for something a little more practical.
All in all, I believe that someone else can get better use out of this big-breasted American made MILF, which is why I am bidding her adieu with one last motorboat and a slap on the a$$…So, if you have made it this far down the page I must ask you…would you like to bury your face in this glorious trucks metaphorical boobs and make it your own?
Email me to schedule a showing or to get more pics- email listed.
Test Drive With Cash/Certified Check In Hand Only
Located in Redondo Beach.
If your boner for this truck wasn’t already stiff enough, here are a few other photos to put you over the top.
UPDATE: Yep, it was already flagged for removal. Nothing gold can stay.
[H/T Reader Shane]