Apparently, In Minnesota, It’s Not Illegal To Ejaculate Into A Coworker’s Coffee Cup


Whenever a big NBA or MLB star becomes a free agent, pundits always tell you not to ignore the teams from Florida and Texas. That’s because, unlike the other socialist states in Barack Ocommie’s America, those two don’t take your hard-earned bucks in the form of state income tax.

You’ve seen it with Alex Rodriguez going to the Rangers and LeBron James to the Heat and Giancarlo Stanton to the Marlins.

I bring this up because, sometimes, a state’s laws make it a more attractive place to live. So if you are the kind of person who derives pleasure from surreptitiously jacking off into your coworker’s morning java and who relishes in watching them unwittingly consume your semen for six straight months, get thee to Minnesota, where we learned this week that that practice is not illegal.

The story comes to us from WTVR in New Brighton, Minnesota. For several months, Pat Maahs, who worked at a hardware store, thought her coffee tasted spoiled. Which, we’ve all been there. Office coffee is so shitty. She chalked it up to general crappiness, until she saw a coworker hovering near her desk.

Pat Maahs said she found fluid on her desk last August after catching a co-worker standing near the edge of it, near her cup of coffee.

“He looked over his shoulder, and the deer-in-the-headlights look and promptly left the room,” she said. “And when he left the room, I looked down at the desk and here was a puddle on the desk.”

That’s when she realized he had ejaculated into her coffee cup. And it wasn’t the first time.

GAHHHH. That’s so awful. So so awful. But also, apparently in Minnesota, not illegal. The man was arrested on two counts of criminal sexual conduct, but a judge couldn’t find a statute that actually prohibited the behavior.

The judge, though, dismissed those charges, saying there was no sex law that existed that covered the behavior.

Ummm. That is one strict constitutionalist. Probably appointed by Reagan. The judge did suggest Maahs work with lawmakers to ban the act. So she did.

Representative Debra Hilstrom began an effort to change the law.

“This just says if you put your bodily fluids in someone else’s food, that counts for criminal sexual conduct as well,” Hilstrom said.

The proposed bill passed the public safety committee, and was headed to the house floor. If it passes, it would make the conduct of Maahs’s co-worker a felony, and they would have to register as a sex offender.

Yea, I think we can all get behind that law. I don’t necessarily want the government regulating what can and can’t be put in my coffee, but sometimes you just need their help.

Hobbes was right.