Apparently No One Is Donating To Donald Trump’s Presidential Campaign, Like AT ALL

by 3 years ago
NEW YORK, NY - JUNE 16:  Donald Trump makes presidential announcement at Trump Tower on June 16, 2015 in New York City.  (Photo by Steve Sands/Getty Images)

Steve Sands/Getty Images

I mean does this come as a shock at all? Anyone dumb enough to donate to The Donald’s presidential campaign does not have spare money lying around to throw to a campaign (see: all the white trash people from high school on my Facebook newsfeed), and anyone with more than $200 to their name is smart enough to realize that microwaving your cash until it catches fire is a more worthwhile investment than giving it to Donald Trump. That’s not to say poor people are dumb — just that the poor white trash people from my neck of the woods back home are Donald supporters…and are coincidentally also dumb. According to Uproxx,

A new wrinkle in Trump’s presidential race was revealed by his new financial disclosure statement filing. Since the very “rich” Trump declared his candidacy in June, his campaign donations have been virtually nonexistent from a relative standpoint. Granted, Trump boasted during his announcement speech, “I don’t need anybody’s money,” because he didn’t want to answer to lobbyists.

The end result is that almost all of Trump’s donations came from his own pocket. The documents reveal how Trump raised a total of $1.9 million, but $1.8 million of that amount sprang from Trump’s former Macy’s pocket. He’s raised about $92,000 from sources other than himself. For a guy who claims to be worth “in excess of TEN BILLION DOLLARS,” $1.8 million is no big deal. But consider how many sponsors Trump has lost in the past month. Dude could end up selling off some real estate and liquidating assets by the time this campaign ends.

Trump also appears to be spending campaign money rapidly, and this campaign will need a cash infusion soon. Most of Trump’s donors donated $200 or less, so he’ll be dipping back into his own pocket quickly.

In an ideal world, that $92,000 raised came from one idiot with exactly $92,000 in his bank account who now regrets giving it all to Trump because he’s realized the error of his ways. Doomed to spend the rest of his life as “The Only Fool Who Donated To Trump,” he now wanders the streets of Loserville asking for spare change, only to be spat on by random bystanders because Jesus Christ who the fuck donates $92,000 to Donald Trump?

Unfortunately, that’s not the case since most of Trump’s donors gave $200 or less, meaning at the least there are 460 people out there who donated to his campaign. Four hundred and sixty. Not four hundred and fifty-nine, not four hundred and sixty-one, but four hundred and sixty. Yep, 460 people need to be burned at the stake or at the very least stoned to death. At the very least we don’t want them contaminating the gene pool, so maybe a good ol’ fashioned castration would do the trick.

In any case, Trump will either drop out of the race when he realizes that a. his realistic chances of winning are 0 (I don’t care what the polls say, he has no shot in hell of winning), or b. he runs out of money, literally bankrupting himself for no purpose other than to be able to Google “Presidential Candidates 2015” and see his name pop up everywhere. Barf.

[H/T Uproxx, Politico, Washington Post, and CNN ]

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