You technically started this bender Wednesday night, perhaps even waking up next to a paunchier, decaying version of a former high-school hookup this morning, but now comes the bulk of the challenge as you try get hammered while trying to still be able to effectively devour food and keep your nice sweater vomit-free. Granted, on a day about binging on booze, turkey, football, and family arguments it’s not the easiest task, but, hey, it’s a tradition just like apple pie or deceiving Native Americans. So if you’re hankering for a challenge, get your hungover-self up and use this as a guide to becoming so drunk that no one in your family asks you to help them with anything.
One Drink: (and by “drink” we mean a sip or gulp, but please, interpret however you see fit.)
-Whenever a family member forgets your name.
-Anytime something is blamed on Obama.
-For every Nick Cannon in Drumline-esque performance you see during the parade on TV.
-Anytime someone butchers a joke.
-Anytime the commentators break from Lions-Packers to discuss Aaron Rodger’s glorious, lumberjack-ly mustache.
-Whenever a family member suggests we solve a foreign policy issue by “just nuking that entire country”.
-Every time Calvin Johnson makes playing in the NFL seem easy.
-Every time Tony Romo makes playing in the NFL seem impossibly difficult
-Anytime that super-left wing, Al Franken-totting cousin makes a point that everyone cringes at.
-Anytime that super-right-wing, Glen Beck-totting uncle makes a point that everyone cringes at.
-For every time someone correlates something to Hitler or fascism to try to win an argument.
-Anytime you notice someone napping, despite that person being a visitor to this house.
-Every time you hear a grandparent non sequitur after they couldn’t discern any of the conversation with their shitty hearing but still felt compelled to interject something.
-Anytime a relative doesn’t ask for consent. No, no, no, I meant when they put more food on your plate, oh, you thought, oh no—oh, that’s disgusting, you sick fuck.
-Anytime you hear a grandparent use a racial epithet or ethnic slur that’s common usage predates the 1950’s.
-Each time someone gives you unsolicited advice.
-For every parade mishap, e.g.: balloons stuck on streetlights, clowns slipping on errant horse doody, or candy pelting unsuspecting children and pregnant women.
-Anytime you hear a Thanksgiving related pun, e.g Danksgiving from the high-school stoner cousin or Pranksgiving from the weird, childish uncle.
-For every time your family references your nationality, like “of course we say that kind of thing; we’re Irish/Polish/Aryan Nation/etc.”
-Every instance the family vegetarian is derided for not eating meat.
-Whenever your personal relationship status is inquired upon. This includes all “are you seeing anyone,” “how is so-and-so; why couldn’t they make it,” “when are you getting married,” and “is the homosexual phase you’re going through over yet?”
-Anytime you realize literally everyone at the dinner table is simultaneously shouting.
-Anytime post-gorge when you feel any bit of remorse instead of elation as a result of your aggressive binge.
-Anytime a family member, over the age of small children, falls down out of drunkenness, food slippage, or vertigo.
-Anytime you hear someone use the phrase “ruined Thanksgiving”.
-If Terry Bradshaw, again , shows his true colors and/or senility and says something offensive on the air.
-You see the Santa at the end of the parade on TV. Finish your drink if it’s Black Santa.
Pound Your Drink:
-Anytime a parent tells you to “slow down” in regards to your drinking.
-When the pumpkin pie comes out and you realize you fucking hate pumpkin pie.
Shotgun a Beer:
-Whenever that topic you give exactly zero shits about come up during dinner, please kindly excuse yourself, grab a nice shot glass of gravy if you think you’ll need a chaser, and retreat to the backyard and shotgun away.
Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.