Scientists Unearthed Evidence Of The Oldest Erection Ever

National Geographic

What’s the longest you’ve held a boner for? Seven, eight minutes?

Okay, seriously, probably maybe like an hour if you were having a real good romp with a lady?

Well, you’ve got nothing on this daddy long legs spider, who has now been holding his erection for 99 million years.

Talk about turgidity.

Admittedly, the daddy long legs has been dead for the vast majority of that time, unable to use his fossilized phallus, but still, props to him.

The spider was discovered in Burma, and scientists believe it is the oldest erection ever unearthed. Get this, his dick was half as long as his body.

Wanna see it?

National Geographic

That’s a good dick. From National Geographic:

On a tree in what’s now Burma some 99 million years ago, a cousin of today’s daddy longlegs had the best and worst day of his life.

After a months-long puberty, the male harvestman Halitherses grimaldiihad finally blossomed into full manhood, sporting a penis that grew to nearly half of his body length when erect.

We know about this H. grimaldii‘s particular package because, as announced last Thursday in The Science of Nature, he died fully aroused, his tree-side tryst interrupted by oozing resin that entombed his body in what’s now a lump of amber.

Poor guy. We don’t even know if he fucked with it. In fact, there’s a chance he didn’t.

[Study leader Jason Dunlop, of the Berlin Museum for Natural History] acknowledges, however, that the fossil still raises questions. For one, there’s no female trapped alongside the helpless H. grimaldii, suggesting a tragic separation—or death throes that inadvertently left him aroused for the ages.

“It might be the case that the animal was struggling as it was trapped in the tree resin,” says Dunlop, “and that this caused the blood pressure to shoot up and the penis to become squeezed out accidentally.”

Bummer man. That is one way to go. Still, he lived with a pretty cool dick.

Careful 3-D scans and photographs of the H. grimaldii fossil show that its penis’ distinctive shape—from the heart-shaped head to its twirled tip—are different from other species’, placing the harvestman in its very own family.

His very own kind of penis. One a super superior species is staring at a 100 million years later.

We all should wish to shine so bright.

[H/T Gizmodo]