Olive Garden Has A Brand New Colon-Busting Dish That’s Sure To Give You A Drippy Case Of The Runs This Summer

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Olive Garden: When You’re Here, You’re Minimum 45 Minutes Away From Overfilling A Toilet”

…should be Olive Garden’s new slogan, as they’ve just announced two new summertime menu additions that are sure to make you go “Ew,” then “Why,” and then “Well, my self-worth and self-esteem are already both at historic lows, might as well!” These are the mental hoops everyone thinking about eating at Olive Garden jumps through, and now with even more breadstick sandwich varieties and a “spaghetti pie” on the menu we can add “Oh god how have I sunk this low” to the list:

Always looking for new ways to jam all-you-can-eat carbs down customers’ maws, Olive Garden has announced two summertime menu additions that may be the work of the R&D; team forgetting they had a pitch meeting. The first is … even more breadstick sandwiches: eggplant Parmigiana and spicy Calabrian chicken. Which brings us to the next new menu addition: spaghetti pie. The carb-dense glob will be available in either “meatball deep dish” or the ever-popular “chicken alfredo” variety, all of which is mixed with noodles and seven-cheese mix before being baked in a pie crust. Also, there is bacon.(via)

Y’all know it’s summer, right? Only beefy fucks in the land-locked Midwest and masochists are looking to eat at Olive Garden right now; everyone else is trying to stay trim for bikini season. Besides, this looks fairly disgusting:

Even in the dead of winter, you won’t catch me eating that bowel movement.

Supposedly “spaghetti pie” is “actually a traditional Italian dish,” but fun fact: Alfredo sauce is not. Alfredo sauce is what American adults created when they wanted to eat macaroni and cheese but not feel like they’re 12. And whatever that “dish” you see above is…that is NOT “actually a traditional Italian dish,” no matter what Olive Garden’s executive chef says.

[H/T Grubstreet]