Olive Garden Just Hit ‘Desperate Ex’ Status By Offering Seven Weeks Of UNLIMITED Pasta For $100

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My coworkers here at BroBible will vehemently disagree with the following statement, but here it is:

Olive Garden sucks.

Yeah I said it, so what? Bite me. 90% of their menu is drowning in alfredo sauce, which impressively manages to be both NOT Italian and tasteless.

“Fuck off Rebecca, they’ve got endless breadsticks and eating six baskets of those makes me forget that my parents didn’t love me. BREADSTICKS FTW!”

Indeed sir, they do have endless breadsticks. Congratulations on knowing that tidbit of useless information. Endless breadsticks are great, IF the breadsticks didn’t taste like regurgitated cardboard you found barfed up in some dumpster behind, say, an Olive Garden. The only appealing part of the breadsticks is that they’re drowning in butter, but apparently it’s “inappropriate” to just lick the breadsticks without actually eating them. Whatever, get your own basket of carb death and do what you want with it.

And while I can completely visualize the BroBible chatroom blowing up with “Rebecca you must be dead on the inside to not like Olive Garden,” apparently people agree with me since Olive Garden has been kinda sucking in sales lately.

The casual dining chains Olive Garden and Red Lobster saw sales drop despite upticks in the economy, an indication that consumers are still wary of spending their money.

The casual dining industry as a whole faced its lowest quarterly sales in more than three years…

Sales at most Olive Garden restaurants fell 4% in the second quarter of the year. Darden said it will cut $50 million in annual operating costs beginning in 2015.

Via TIME

Unlimited shitsticks and drowning your food in cheese clearly isn’t working, so what’s Olive Garden doing now to get people through the doors and their asses in the seats?

Unlimited. Pasta.

Barf.

But on Monday, the casual dining chain whose business has seriously softened in recent years, will announce plans for its first-ever “Never Ending Pasta Pass” — which, for $100, gives the holder the right to consume all of the pasta, salad, bread and Coca-Cola branded soft drinks that they can stuff down for seven weeks.

But you may need to act fast. Only 1,000 of these pasta passes will be sold — beginning Monday at 3 p.m. ET — online via the Olive Garden web site. Nothing like being one of 1,000 VIP’s who can gorge on pasta for 49 days in a row. The PR stunt piggybacks with the chain’s annual “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” promo, Sept. 22 through Nov. 9., which lets folks eat all the pasta they want for $9.99…

But Spenchian says this Olive Garden promotion isn’t about gorging but about fun. “We’re trying to make our fans feel like VIPs,” he says. That’s one reason that up to seven guests who eat with the pass-holder will receive freebie Coca-Cola branded drinks, he says.

Via USA Today

Yes, because when I think of “fun” I think “Eating pasta until I puke.” And what is this “fans” and “VIP” bullshit? Do people actually identify themselves as “fans” of Olive Garden? Like at parties:

Random Man: I’m a die-hard Redskins fan.
You: Oh I used to be too, but now I’m more of an Olive Garden kind of guy.

And if getting a free bottle of Coca-Cola makes you feel like a VIP then you need to go re-evaluate your entire life up until that point, make some drastic changes, and then shoot yourself in the head because, frankly, it’s too late for you.

[H/T USA Today]

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