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Choosing a partner is kind of like eating a hot dog–you want them because they taste delicious and make you happy, but if you knew what they were really made of, you’d be absolutely appalled. But that’s what relationships are: portraying the best version of yourself and omitting the unnecessary information. My girlfriend knows that I’m an absolute savage on the boards in my men’s league basketball game, but I actively try to hide the fact that I have more underwear with skid marks than without. The people who say ‘honesty is the best policy’ have never clicked on the Fetishes tab on PornHub. Well congratu-fucking-lations, losers. Keep living your virtuous, secret-free lives, and excuse me while I guzzle this tall boy and try to act sober at work.
Redditor itsmistermeeseeks posed the question, what will you NEVER share with your significant other? The answers were glorious and made me feel better about the skeletons in my closet. Here are some of the best.
That when I married her I didn’t actually have any emotional attachment to her. My antidepressants took away ALL emotions I had, so mostly married her because I was afraid if I didn’t, I would be alone my whole life. I stopped taking them years ago now and can honestly say I do love her with all my heart, but there was little to no emotion in the initial decision.
“Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?”
“…probably, dunno.”
I am pregnant and recently discovered that two small pale freckles on my torso are actually accessory nipples. This became apparent and indisputable when they grew, darkened and started lactating a tiny bit. They are still not huge – went from sesame seed sized to grain of rice sized – so it is not obvious unless you know what you are looking for. I know my husband either (a) won’t be able to handle it or (b) will handle it by never letting 6 hours go by for the rest of my life without laughing hysterically in my face about this.
Therefore, I will never tell him.
When you have as many nipples as limbs, you may want to keep that close to the chest.
That I feel like I’ll never be as good as the other girls he has dated or fucked.
It’s never too late to improve.
What my sister’s ex husband said about him. He used to make fun of my husband (to my sister, not to my or my husband’s face) questioning his masculinity, calling him a girl’s name and repeatedly told my sister that they had to do something before I married him – that they had to find me a real man. My husband is stereotypically manly in a physical way (think tall and hairy) but is also gentle, softly spoken, emotional and empathetic. And apparently that makes him less manly in my sister’s ex husband’s eyes. Well, fuck you Kim. All the things you ridiculed about my husband are why I love him and what makes him an amazing husband. And maybe if you had realised the value of those traits you would have been a better husband yourself, instead of an abusive arse-wipe.
I’ve never told my husband any of this as I think it would crush him. But I still feel rage about it everytime I come into contact with my sister’s ex.
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How often I still masturbate.
Yep, she’d probably wonder how I have time for literally anything else.
Not me, but I have a cute story to share with y’all:
My friend (let’s call him Tom) had a HUGE crush on this girl (let’s call her Dana.) Dana was drop-dead gorgeous, and I say this as a straight girl- everyone either wanted to date her or be her. Tom was super shy, and he was working up the nerve to ask her out for weeks (he’d been asking me a million times things like what girls liked or where they liked to go, and kept trying to get me to be a wing-girl which was hard because Dana and I hardly knew each other.)
Well, one day Tom and I are at the park doing something for a traiathalon that was happening, and Dana shows up. Tom finally has the nerve to ask her out. He walks up to her and she turns around. Surprise- it isn’t Dana. It’s her usually-quiet, barely seen older sister (let’s call her Rose.) And she looks like she’s gonna pass out.
so Tom gets her into the shade with a bottle of water and some crackers and offers to call a doctor, but she declines. He sits and talks to her for a while, and they agree to meet up again.
One thing led to another, and now they’re married and they’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. But he won’t ever, ever tell her that the reason they met was because he tried to ask out her sister.
It’s amazing how the entire course of one’s life can be decided by one giant fuck up. Life, man. WHATTA RIDE.
I beat off in her shampoo before divorcing her. She cheated and blew my savings hile I was deployed.
Couldn’t have guessed you’d do something like this judging by your username.
The people I have masturbated thinking about. My ex begged me for 20 minutes one time to tell me. She wanted to know if I masturbated thinking about her. I hate lying but I couldn’t tell her.
It would probably be a quicker conversation to list the people you haven’t masturbated to.
You bros got any secrets? Air them out. It will liberate you.
[h/t Reddit]