It is with a heavy heart and a resting bitch face that won’t allow me to look sad that I will heartfelt-edly say that Pizza Hut is the worst pizza chain restaurant currently in business in our good ol’ U S of A. Dominos used to taste like cardboard but they stepped their game up, whereas Pizza Hut used to taste like heaven but then decided to fork themselves in the eyeball, break both of their feet, chop off his tongue for good measure and then make that guy the head of their pizza-making division. Has anyone else noticed how bad Pizza Hut has gotten the last decade or so? The place kicked ass in the 90’s, but now all their pizzas just taste like straight grease. No, I’m not kidding. Literal grease. As in “Hmm this appears to be cheese and yet all I taste is oil.” It’s like they’re gradually making their food shittier and shittier in a weird social experiment to see how cruddy their food can get and yet still have people order from them on a regular basis.
Apparently Pizza Hut wasn’t returning the dismal results they’d hoped for by making their food taste like a fresh underwear skidmark, so they’ve decided to add hot dogs to their menu. And because it’s Pizza Hut we’re talking about here, they’ve taken your regular every day hot dog and turned it into the lard bomb we’ve all come to expect but still don’t love because our standards are low, but not THAT low jeez — they went and put it into the crust of their stuffed crust pizza.
Yes. It’s a hot dog stuffed crust pizza.
My colon started rumbling just writing that, I shit you not.
Having made the rounds in Canada, the UK and Australia since 2012, Pizza Hut is finally bringing its bizarre hot dog stuffed crust pizza to U.S. stores later this month. Tentative hooray!
This news came to me by way of a local long-time Pizza Hut employee, who informed me that most stores in the Atlanta area have already received their shipments of bland sausage and mustard drizzle in order to facilitate the meat-filled monster’s launch.
Have your stools been relatively regular as of late? Has your life been on the general upswing? And et do you find yourself thinking “Man, things have been really great for me lately, if only there was a way to undo all of it and turn myself into a drooling hamplanet whose sole goal in life is to shovel as much gut-busting grease and filth down my throat as is physically possible!”
Do you fit that description? Then congratulations, this pizza is for you. Don’t fit that description? Then congratulations, you’ll probably try this pizza at least once out of sheer curiosity only to be consumed with overwhelming grit and diarrhea immediately following.
Hot dog stuffed crust pizza is reportedly set for a June 18th release. Don’t mark your calendars.