What Your Poop Says About You: A Completely Unscientific Study

man pooping

Shutterstock


A man’s poop is sacred. It is the ultimate extension of his being. Or at least of whatever garbage he is cramming into his body. Same thing, really. But not all poops are created equal. Some tell you that you’re doing good things in life, while others tell you that you’ve got some work to do. If you want to have a happy and healthy life, you’ve gotta get your poop game right. I believe Jesus said that, and it is as true today as it was then. And so, to help you out, we’re going to tell you just what your poop says about you.

Brown and Sausage Shaped

You’re doing good, bro. Everything’s looking on the up and up, your poop game is strong and you can rest easy. Sure, it might also mean that you’re a little boring, but when you’re still pooping like a champ while everyone else is busy diapering it up in the old folk’s home, you’ll have the last laugh. Pooping, like excellence, is a habit. So keep pooping like the champion you are.

Hard and Lumpy

You poor bastard, you’re constipated. This isn’t the end of the world, but it does mean that you should eat more fiber. I know that sounds boring, but it beats sitting and straining on the toilet for an hour, just trying to push those little rabbit turds out. That’s how you end up with a bloody asshole. Well, it’s one way anyway, but the other way involves something akin to a deleted scene from The Shawshank Redemption, and we don’t need to talk about that.

Yellow and Greasy

You might be a little unwell. Or you could just be eating like shit. That’s because this means that your poop has too much fat in it. That’s either because you’re shoveling too much fast-food into your maw all that goddamn time, or because your body isn’t properly absorbing the fat, which happens sometimes with diseases like celiac, which I’m pretty sure just gave every gluten Nazi reading this a hard-on. Yes, I’m afraid this means you might need to become one of those. I’m so sorry.

Green

That shit is literally traveling through you too fast to get broken down by bile. This can mean the dreaded diarrhea (cha-cha-cha) or it can simply mean that your body has a hard time breaking down green vegetables like lettuce. Not really a big deal, unless of course, it’s bright green or something freakish like that, in which case you should probably get tested for Ninja Turtleitis or stop letting girls tripping on E at raves shove their glowsticks up your ass. Don’t look at me like that, you know what you’ve been up to.

White, Clayish

You’ve got a bile-duct obstruction, bro. That’s no fun. Usually this mean gallstones, but it can also be a variety of ailments, ranging from the relatively benign to the for-the-love-of-god-don’t-look-this-shit-up-if-you-want-to-sleep-tonight variety. Yeah, you should probably get that shit checked out. However, if you’re taking something like Pepto Bismol on a regular basis, and I mean just chugging that shit, that could be the culprit. Still, if you’re at the point where you’re dropping bottles of Pepto like 40s of Olde English, then you should probably get checked out anyway.

Bright Red

I know this is probably scary, but it just means that you’ve got some anal bleeding going on. Wait, that sounds pretty bad too. All I’m saying is that you probably don’t have any significant internal problems, just something like hemorrhoids. Or you’ve been hanging out in Shawshank territory again. Look, I’m not judging, I’m just telling you that there is a reason why being a catcher is the most physically demanding of all positions. Either that or you just ate some beets or cranberries. Sorry for the mix-up!

Black

This is a bit more serious. This means that you probably do have some internal bleeding, likely from an ulcer. That’s not something you really want to fuck around with, but on the bright side, it does mean that at least your ass isn’t the problem this time. Maybe all that worry about your torn up ass caused you to get an ulcer, which should be a lesson for you all the way around – just relax.

A Watery Mess

You’ve got the Big D. Yes, diarrhea has made you its bitch and it’s not stopping until it’s drained you via your butt. That’s a horrible way to spend a day for anyone, so you have my sympathies. But really, you shouldn’t worry too much because everyone deals with this at one point or another. Yes, even your girlfriend and your mom. Your grandma too. Also, Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, and… I’m sorry, I’ll stop now. The point is, is that you shouldn’t worry unless this is happening all the damn time. If that’s the case, then you should probably stop eating fried everything, maybe even eat a vegetable every now and then, and… you’re right, that’s asking way too much.

Something So Foul That It Would Asphyxiate a Small Dog

Look, it happens. Especially if you’re hung over. Your butt is pretty much your body’s last line of defense. It’s the big dog that handles all the problems that the rest of your pansy body can’t deal with. That means that it’s getting rid of the foulest toxins for you, which is why your toilet the morning after seems like something that would be found only in a North Korean death camp. There are foul spirits in that black, murky mess, and you just have to keep in mind that this is your body’s way of cleaning you out. It’s a good thing. You’re healing. Sure, you have to wear a Hazmat suit whenever you use the bathroom again for the next 24-48 hours, but that’s the tradeoff for drinking like John Belushi every weekend, and let’s face it, you’re not going to quit doing that anytime soon. So, thank you, foulest poop on Earth. Thank you.

Man pooping image by Shutterstock