When dealing with questions such as these, the only way to find a real answer is by using all of the statistical nonsense we slept through freshman year. You know what I’m talking about—that mean, median, and mode bullshit coupled with some standard deviation ramblings. I’m not sure how to gather such data (short of staking out a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting), so I’m going to give this the old college try and speculate the shit out of the subject until I’ve reached an acceptable, well-rounded thesis (that’s a word I swore I’d never use again after my diploma was handed to me—sorry about it).
Is it possible to get better at sex? I think the answer is yes, you most certainly can. However, the way you go about bettering your sexual prowess is key.
After losing your virginity I believe that sex (generally) goes uphill. Losing your virginity is a lot like getting a shot at the doctor—not pleasant, but not the worst thing in the world. There’s a little pinch, you sort of want to cry, and for some reason the doctor walks away looking creepily satisfied, while you sit there thinking “what the fuck?” This description is geared more toward the ladies. I’m sure for a guy losing his virginity is like eating bacon off of a porn star’s tits while watching the Super Bowl.
Once you’ve gotten the virginity thing over with, I’d say that most people stay having sex on a fairly consistent basis from the ages of 16-21. During these formative sexual years you gain a great deal of fornicating knowledge. Is foreplay necessary? Do I use too much tongue? Do I use too much teeth? Am I going too fast? How do I know if she had an orgasm? Is “faking it” really a thing? I see his balls, but what do I do with them? Is a Blumpkin something I’d be willing to partake in?
Once these years come to an end, and you’ve completed Sex 101 (102 and 103), what’s next? The notion that you’ve simply plateaued sexually is fairly defeatist. You’ve just begun your sexual education. In fact, consider yourself a lifelong student in the school of boning.
Stepping up your sexual game can only come from having actual sex. Unfortunately, the mainstream media and porn industry have skewed that train of thought. Women will buy Cosmopolitan Magazine hoping that by simply reading, “101 Ways to Make Your Man Moan” they will improve their skill, whereas men will go on Pornhub for 20 minutes and think “Well she seems to enjoy that, maybe I can do that to my girlfriend.” I want to be clear; if she’s featured on Pornhub, she’s getting paid to enjoy that. Her asshole is bleached. This isn’t a real life scenario here.
Sex is best perfected in the bedroom (bathroom, park benches, or public transportation—to name a few places). Reading about sex and watching it on your iPhone are not suitable options.
Have explicit conversations with your partner or partner(s). Be open and honest, and not in the way you are at church, but more of the dirty, “this is exactly what I need you to do to me” sort of way. If you aren’t willing to be communicative with the person you’re sleeping with, then chances are they won’t be with you—thus creating a cycle of people who have shitty sex (or at least mediocre sex given their skill set) and never talk about it.
If talking to the person who sees you naked on a regular basis is that uncomfortable for you, then do yourself a favor and talk to your friends. Magazines are not your friend. Internet porn is not your friend. These are over-hyped outlets and when dealing with sex there can’t be any sugarcoating. Ask your friends for advice. How many fingers are too many fingers? Do I ignore the ass entirely? Is it possible to choke on a dick? Do you know of any good positions that won’t cause me to pull a muscle? Because your friends aren’t physically in the bedroom with you (or they might be—no judgment) they won’t be afraid to go balls-to-the-wall with their suggestions. They don’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings.
The bottom line is, you can get better at sex, but it won’t be as simple as you’d hoped. Look at sex like learning a new language. Maybe with a lot of patience, Adderall, and Rosetta Stone tutorials you’ll be able to add bi-lingual to your resume by 2035.
Keep the patience (and possibly Adderall), but the swap the Rosetta Stone with someone willing to teach you everything you’re doing wrong. In other words, find yourself a sexual Yoda—and hey, if you happen to know you’re really great in bed, then be someone else’s sexual Yoda. What “comes” around, goes around.
[Header image via Shutterstock]