Once you look back, you realize it was over before it started. Although there has been screaming, crying and yelling, the break up is just the beginning. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, your every move can and probably will be watched by your ex and their friends. There are a million social media apps ready and willing to humiliate you worse than a casually racist grandparent. 140 characters can get you a thesis long email about how much of a dick you are, one post read the wrong way can illicit 25 phone calls, one picture with the wrong person in the back ground can cause a series of texts like “I knew you we’re with her all along” or “I always hated that friend”. We are in a technological age where your actions are as public as a restroom stall. Wanna win the break up? Here are a few simple rules to avoid looking like a scrub.
Don’t Stalk: Take the high ground, know they’re going to post pictures and say things to try and aggravate you. Save yourself the migraine and your thumbs the effort of sending cutting texts, extremely gratifying, hurtful texts. Instead, show you’re the winner when you accidentally run into each other by knowing nothing about their life. “Oh you’re with John now? That’s lovely, your Facebook became unimportant to me when you blew my best friend”. Besides, do you really want to see 400 pictures of her in tight dresses out on girls nights? Don’t torture yourself, just pray she forgets to use protection and her birth control.
Don’t Overshare: If you’ve been in a relationship, you’ve seriously neglected your friends. Instead of turning to social media to vent about your feelings, call a friend and go get drunk. Not only do you have more money now that you’re single, you have more free time. Two nights getting blacked out and venting with someone you haven’t seen in months is way better than any meaningless Facebook likes and comments could do. The only thing sadder than being sad in real life is looking sad on social media.
Be Honest: People can read through the bullshit, everyone knows people make their lives look better via social media. It’s better to not post something than post something full of shit. Besides, a non nonchalant picture of you being a bad ass is way cooler than one where you look like you’re trying too hard. A caption like “loving life” next to a picture of you alone in a dive bar isn’t convincing anyone. Avoid saying anything for a while, then post about how busy you’ve been wading knee deep in good times and strange vagina.
Be Awesome: You’re finally free, don’t sulk around for hours being sad, delve into everything you wanted to do but couldn’t. Go play paintball with tigers, buy archery equipment and start an illegal pest control business, fly to Thailand and sniff a lady boy’s pinky finger. The world is your oyster finally! When you’re out being a total badass, your social media will follow. Who cares if she found a new boyfriend, she’s still uninteresting and kind of bitchy. At least you’re the same asshole but you learned to do a back flip and card tricks.
Be Passive Aggressive: Sub tweeting is for preteens and punks. Instead, write vague captions that could be misconstrued as cutting towards your ex, but also completely deniable. This way if you take any flak for it, you can explain they’re over reacting and probably still have feelings for you. It’s plausible deniability, that’s not a real term, but it sounds like it is. Nothing feels better than having a back up story then rubbing it in an exes face they still think about you.
Pick Your Pictures: Everything you do can be scrutinized and taken out of context. One of her friends could save a picture and send it without any context. It’s during break ups people’s true colors come out, and those colors usually look like vomit. Unless it was an amazing break up, you have to spend the next 3 months carefully choosing what you post to avoid looking like an sad asshole while maximizing looking like successful asshole. Post pictures of you with other girls doing things you wouldn’t do with her, like talking.
Social media has complicated the world. Break ups used to mean never seeing each other again, and only being reminded of exes when your parents brought them up. Now break ups are warfare, with friends espionage and calculated posts to make sure the world knows you’re doing just fine. Breaks ups are now like an episode of “House Of Cards”…but for losers.
See Bread Foster live, August 21st at Broadway Comedy Club in NYC.