Recently my colleague Brandon (who is an idiot) said he thought George W. Bush would be a ton of fun at a strip club.
So wrong. Dubya would suck at a strip club. Why? He doesn’t drink. He’d just sit in the corner. Not drinking. But it did get me thinking. What U.S. presidents would be fun at a strip club? So I did some thinking. Here’s the definitive ranking: 43-1.
43. George W. Bush: Teetotaler
42. Rutherford B. Hayes: Teetotaler
41. Woodrow Wilson: Academia
40. James Garfield: Anti-U.S. Greenbacks
39. Zachary Taylor: Teetotaler
38. William Henry Harrison: Compromised immune system. Might die
37. Abraham Lincoln: Would ask everyone’s opinion about every girl
36. Millard Fillmore: Teetotaler
35. Barack Obama: Will call his wife non-stop
34. William Taft: Teetotaler
33. Warren Harding: Degenerate gambler. He’d ask to borrow ones
32. Herbert Hoover: Broke
31. James Madison: Hot wife. Gets enough at home
30. William McKinley: Gold standard advocate, impossible to tip on
29. Andrew Johnson: Doesn’t believe strippers are people
28. George Washington: Girls would be put off by the teeth
27. Jimmy Carter: Girls would be put off by the teeth
26. John Tyler: Moves in on your dancer when you aren’t paying attention
25. James Monroe: Would claim all the Latino strippers as his own
24. George H. W. Bush: Too old
23. Benjamin Harrison: Tariff fan. Against non-American strippers
22. Dwight Eisenhower: Tit guy… … probably? Seems like a tit guy.
21. John Adams: Strict wife. Would be ready to cut loose
20. Gerald Ford: Anti-inflation programs preserve value of a dollar bill. Strippers adore
19. James Polk: Holds women to unrealistic 50-4-40 measurement
18. Andrew Jackson: Would get into some Pac-Man Jones type shit
17. Chester A. Arthur: Makes strippers earn their tips
16. Ulysses S. Grant: Always has smokes to bum
15. Harry S. Truman: Knows how to make it rain
14. John Quincy Adams: Loves to get naked
13. Franklin Delano Roosevelt: SYMPATHY LAP DANCES
12. Grover Cleveland: / Read to come again
11. Theodore Roosevelt: Would be like Billy Bob in Varsity Blues
10. Ronald Reagan: Former actor, possible good cocaine connects
9. Richard Nixon: Could watch him curse out strippers all day
8. James Buchanan: Life-long bachelor
7. Franklin Pierce: Upon leaving office was quoted as saying “There is nothing left but to get drunk.” And look at pussy
6. Calvin Coolidge: Starer
5. Lyndon Johnson: Known to whip his dick out. May get you kicked out, but the story would be worth.
4. Bill Clinton: Of course.
3. John F. Kennedy: Strippers would fight over your table
2. Martin Van Buren: Huge whiskey drinker
1. Thomas Jefferson: White guy in a black strip club? Count me in.