Can people just stop getting married? Forreal, my Facebook newsfeed has blown up with like 5 people getting married in the past 6 months and all it does is remind me how I spent last night eating an entire can of Pringles by myself. Alone…possibly in the dark. But this lady? Nah, weddings are her thang.
Jen Glantz, aka New York’s newest “professional bridesmaid,” explains why she’s decided to embark on this new journey of mooching off of open bars and free food at various weddings that you’ll presumably be paying her to attend:
“When all my friends started getting engaged – I decided to make new friends. So I did – but then they got engaged also and for what felt like the hundredth time, I was asked to be a bridesmaid.
This year alone, i’ve been a bridesmaid 4 times. That’s 4 different chiffon dresses, 4 different bachelorette parties filled with tequila shots and guys in thong underwear twerking way too close to my face, 4 different pre-wedding pep talks to the bride about how this is the happiest day of her life and marriage, probably, is just like riding a bike: a little shaky at first but then she’ll get the hang of it.
Right, she’ll ask as she wipes off the mascara stained tears from her perfectly airbrushed face. Right, i’ll say though I don’t really know. I only know what I’ve seen and that’s a beautiful looking bride walking down, down, down the aisle one, two, three, four times so far this year.”
But for what occasion would you need an extra bridesmaid who you found on Craigslist (which begs the question, why the fuck are you on Craigslist of all places looking for bridesmaids)?
“So let me be there for you, this time if:
-You don’t have any other girlfriends except your third cousin, twice removed, who is often found sticking her tongue down an empty bottle of red wine.
– Your fiance has an extra groomsmen and you’re looking to even things out so your pictures don’t look funny and there’s not one single guy walking down the aisle by himself
– You need someone to take control and make sure bridesmaid #4 buys her dress on time and doesn’t show up 3 hours late the day of the wedding or paint her nails lime green.”
I may be showing my age, but who the fuck cares if a bridesmaid has lime green nails? If your friends are tacky enough to even own nail polish in that color then you deserve what you get, honestly. And if that list of potential scenarios isn’t enough to get you emailing Ms. Glatz on blast, she’s included a list of relevant “skills” that I guess all bridesmaids should have?
” Bridesmaid skills i’m exceptionally good at:
– Holding up the 18 layers of your dress so that you can pee with ease on your wedding day
– Catching the bouquet and then following that moment up with my best Miss America-like “Omg, I can’t believe this” speech.
– Doing the electric and the cha cha slide.
– Responding in a timely manner to pre-wedding email chains created by other bridesmaids and the Maid of Honor”
If your girlfriend has 0 friends and can’t fill a bridal party, here a link to the Craigslist ad in case you need to enlist her services. Which I hope you don’t ever, ever need to.