No one said harboring the undying desire to strap on a pair of rollerblades was going to be easy; or keep you from getting disowned by your father; or get you girls; or allow you to keep girls that you actually get once they realize you yearn to shred asphalt. No one promises you any of that when you gleefully saunter to the register at Dick’s Sporting Goods, completely ignorant to the stigma you’re about to attach to yourself.
However, one guy in Chicago is about to understand all of that after this Craigslist Missed Connection goes viral. You see, on the surface, he appeared to have it all. Enough for this girl to go out with him and maybe even cap the night off with a dry handjob. That is, until she noticed something was amiss. And that something was his beloved blades and all their accompaniments.
Per the post on Craigslist Missed Connections:
Guy I accidentally gave my number to b4 I saw he rollerblades. – w4m – 28 (LP)
Hey, please don’t take offense to my reaching out to you on here…
And yes, it’s me. Ashley. The girl who gave you her number and realized her very big mistake.
How it went down is that I was drinking a beer with some friends at a bar in Lincoln Park. We were having a somewhat in depth conversation because my friend Riley had a conundrum over two men in her life. One guy she has been dating for four years. He is in good shape, a 9 out of 10, and works with kids that have terminal cancer as a social worker. The other guy is kinda a slob an works at a bank, but he makes well over 200 a year. So needless to say we were very conflicted and talked her through this very difficult decision.
I am telling you this because it might explain my mood when you first met me.
Either way, there we were talking with Riley, most of us siding with the banker guy because her boyfriend sometimes leaves the toilet seat up. This is right around when you walked out of a nearby building looking very cool and chill. What made it even sexier is that you came right up to me to say Hi…
‘Hey, are you drinking a Perino? I love that beer,’ you said.
‘Yeah I am. I like it for the carbs,’ I said back to you with a smile.
‘Ha! You’re funny. Let me call you sometime,’ you suggested while trying to make your neck look as big as possible. You probably didn’t know this, but us girls LOVE when guys pretend to have a big neck around us. It’s like a mating call or like that one lizard-dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Remember that scene when that Seinfeld guy fell into the mud and then saw that one little dinosaur who then quickly was able to scare him with his frill? My memory is a bit off but I think it was a Dilophosaurus. Hmmmm it was really sexy watching you neck flex :]
The point is that this was no doubt the smoothest transfer of information I’ve ever been a part of. I’ll admit, I was excited and my friends were for me too. I even informed the girls you were in the red zone, meaning that if a date were to happen that week and if it were to go well, I’d prob be willing to give you a shitty handjob before saying things are going too fast and that I have to go home.
All of this was discussed after I thought you had left to go wherever. So while Riley texted her bf that they needed to have a serious talk, we quickly took note that you were back again, not too far from our table…
And I nearly threw up when I saw you sit on the sidewalk and take your sweet ass time putting on a pair of rollerblades straight out of a movie from 1995. Following this you put on knee pads, wrist guards, and a helmet. When we saw this, it was like September 11th was occurring to your personality and it was scary. And when you stood up, we heard you say, ‘Time to make Devil’s backbone my bitch.’
Not sure what that is, but ever since you have been texting me and calling me since wanting to take me out.
Part of me wants to be real with you and tell you not to reach out to me anymore. But in a way, that would reinforcing our connection. It would be best just to reach out to you here and let it trickle down since you must be the only heterosexual the age of 30 that still rollerblades.
I’m sorry, but No.
Good Luck with your future endeavors,
P.S. Riley broke up with Greg. He doesn’t respect her style of hypothetical consumerism.
[H/T Reader Tip, Image via ShutterStock]