People will always go out of their way to tell you, “Oh I’m a fun drunk!” Yet not once have I ever heard a person say, “I’m a fucking asshole when I have too much to drink. I shit my pants, start fights with huge bouncers and try to hump inanimate objects like vending machines.” Which strikes me as rather strange because when I did a quick Google search of the words “Drunk Fight Brobible,” there are bout 184,000 results for that specific query. Fuck. Where are all the “Fun drunks?”
Well psychology researchers from the University of Missouri at Columbia set out to see exactly what types of drunks there actually are. Their extensive study involved 374 undergraduates at a large Midwestern university and was published in Addiction Research & Theory.
There interesting results found that there were four very distinct categories of drunks. They classified them with characters from literature and pop culture including Mary Poppins, Ernest Hemingway, Nutty Professor and Mr. Hyde.
The largest group, at approximately 40 percent, was the Ernest Hemingways. It was named after the legendary writer with legendary drinking abilities, who once said he could, “drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk.” The Hemingways do not exhibit any significant changes in personality when they get shwasted.
The Mary Poppins drinkers are your fun drunks who get sweeter and happier with the help of alcohol.
Then there’s the Nutty Professors, who are natural introverts, but when they get a couple drinks in them they are a social butterfly and then won;t shut the fuck up.
And of course we have the Mr. Hydes, the guy who bashes a beer bottle over another dude’s head just because they stepped on their foot. The study says that these asswipes are “particularly less responsible, less intellectual, and more hostile when under the influence of alcohol.” Well, no shit.
So which one of these sots are you?