BROS! Screw Chicks, Science Has Found That Bromances Make You Healthier And More Socially Adjusted

Some of you bros may be at the point in the relationship with your girlfriends when its shit or get off the pot–move in together or she’s going to start fucking that dude Chet she met at the gym and claims they’re ‘just friends.’ (No one makes gym ‘friends.’)

You love her, of course, but you also love going home to your bro roommates and farting freely while talking about football and gym gains. So you swindle a small white lie and tell Christina that you have a killer deal on your place and you’ll be fucking over your lifelong friends if you move out at the end of your lease.

She does not like this. Try again.

We got you covered bro, by a little thing called sci-sigh- I think it’s pronounced SCIENCE.

New research suggests that bromances reduce stress and have a positive impact of devaluing the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The UC Berkeley study used male rats in the experimental group (close enough) and found that the pairs who live together are allowed to be more social, more cooperative, and may even live longer, healthier lives–thanks to a hormone called oxytocin, which is released when during bonding (and even orgasms!).

The hormone is 100% natural. Like this.

The study found that the male rats who were housed together displayed aggression toward one another, fighting over resources like food and water. However, when the rats were restrained for a few hours (adding mild stress), they tended to cooperate more and become more civilized, sharing food and water. Conclusion: rats bros need each other, especially under stressful circumstances.

Per UC Berkeley:

“A bromance can be a good thing,” said lead author Elizabeth Kirby, who started work on the study while a doctoral student at UC Berkeley and continued it after assuming a postdoctoral fellowship at Stanford. “Males are getting a bad rap when you look at animal models of social interactions, because they are assumed to be instinctively aggressive. But even rats can have a good cuddle – essentially a male-male bromance – to help recover from a bad day.”

“Having friends is not un-masculine,” she added. “These rats are using their rat friendships to recover from what would otherwise be a negative experience. If rats can do it, men can do it too. And they definitely are, they just don’t get as much credit in the research for that.”

So there it is, bros. Tell Christina just a few more years with your reckless bro-mates and then you’ll be more than ready to hunker down with her. By then, she’ll probably have a child with gym Chet.

They’ll name their son Tanner and he’ll exit Christina’s womb smoking a vape. That’s a guarantee.

[h/t Uproxx, UC Berkeley]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.