A lot of brides, in the days after their wedding, will turn to Facebook to proclaim that their wedding was “the best, most perfect wedding ever.”
I don’t really challenge them in the comments because, 1. That’s a dick thing to do, and, 2. There’s no way to objectively prove that their wedding wasn’t the best ever. Until now.
The honor of “best wedding ever” goes to a wedding in Pennsylvania which involved seven arrests, a fist fight over whether a 14-year-old was allowed to be drunk, a guy grabbing a police officer’s dick, the groom in jail and the bride in the hospital with alcohol poisoning.
We still haven’t even covered everything that happened that night. Twenty-six cops responded to the bacchanal. When they arrived, the groom challenged them to a fight, and one attendee was so drunk that when police twice hit him with a stun gun, it did nothing.
Please, please join me in Ontelaunee Township, PA. The New York Daily News sets the scene.
The wedding night fight at the Blue Falls Grove venue started when a guest noticed that the 14-year-old was drunk. The woman scolded the boy’s mom for letting the teen guzzle beer at the reception.
“The mother responded with a punch to that woman’s face,” [Northern Berks Regional Police Chief Scott] Eaken said.
I tell yah, I don’t need more than that. But there is. There is so much more. A man trying to separate the two got his glasses busted, and that’s when hell broke loose. From the Reading News:
When [police] arrived, people were scattered on the grounds, some of them shirtless and bloodied, according to Northern Berks Officer Sean Showalter’s report.
The bride was on the ground, surrounded by several females, police said. Showalter asked if she was all right, and she said she was not but “was just very upset at what happened,” Showalter wrote in a probable cause affidavit.
As police tried to restore order, the groom, Nicholas Papoutsis, challenged the officers to fight, police said.
Showalter repeatedly advised the man to back down.
“I tried reasoning with him, telling him that he didn’t really want to get arrested on his wedding night,” Showalter wrote in the affidavit. But police said Papoutsis kept advancing on the officer, so he was taken into custody.
“What? WHAT? You wanna go?” Another attendee — at, remind you, a wedding — was packing some heat.
Jesse Groh, 38, was also arrested after someone pointed him out as he headed to their vehicle shortly after officers arrived. His untucked dress shirt was covered with blood and he refused to answer questions. Showalter handcuffed him and found three large folding pocket knives in his pants pocket.
Why? Meanwhile, other guests didn’t want to feel left out of the fun.
Before their additional backup arrived, [officers] Toro and Barrow observed a fracas inside the banquet hall and approached to investigate, but they were met at the door by an intoxicated man who refused to let them in.
The man, Brian R. Pelker, refused to get out of the way, yelled at officers and took on a fighting stance. After warning him to get out of the way, Barrow used a stun gun on him to no effect. He tried to use the stun gun again but Pelker only got more aggressive, so Barrow took him down with a baton.
Once on the ground, Pelker struggled with officers and grabbed one of them in the crotch before he was subdued.
The 14-year-old was hospitalized with a 0.16 BAC, which is a hell of a high BAC for a kid, and the bride was treated for dehydration and alcohol poisoning.
I’m not often sincere on this site, but I mean it when I say I wish these people all the best. For they have made my week.