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Maybe it’s a feeling. Maybe you knew it from the very beginning. Maybe you just liked banging her but it’s been dragging on for too long; the guilt settling over you like a warm bath that’s gone cold, and now you’re just sitting in your own filth. You need to break it to her that you won’t grow old together, ultimately utterly disappointed in your offspring’s life choices. But how is she going to take it?
There are three scenarios. One, the feeling is mutual and she doesn’t particularly want to wander down the dark and twisted path that is your relationship any longer as well. Two, it’s one-sided but amicable — cue that Gotye song where he’s bitching in the painted nude. Three — restraining order worthy. Here’s some tips for knowing when it’s going to be the painful latter.
You find her wedding Pinterest board
This might be the most obvious tip that she is going to blow like Mt. Vesuvius. Some women just have the wedding gene, we’re trained to look forward to the “most important day of our lives” because God forbid we don’t adhere to our Patriarchal society’s outdated rules. But anyway, Pinterest makes it disturbingly easy to collect and curate your dream wedding, down to the custom cut burlap sack table runners that are supposed to be shabby chic but just make the place smell more like a barn. And for reasons unknown to you, you’re already in a fucking barn. Anywho, if you find this, anticipate a full-out brawl and may God have mercy on your wretched soul.
She’s actively cozying up to your parents
Parents are the ultimate gate keepers, whether you’re aware of it or not. Your Mom or Dad being deeply disappointed in your choice of a life partner will amount to years of frustration and painful holidays with passive aggressive, awful gifts. How many chip n’ dips from Marshalls do you really need? If she’s talking to your parents as much as or more than you, it might be time to cut the cord before they try to guilt trip you into tripping down the aisle.
She tries to be buddy buddy with your bros
There is nothing wrong with her being friends with your friends and vice versa. It’s actually preferred and a good indicator of a healthy relationship. But if she’s doing it as a defense mechanism on the chance you’ll bring up the “I think I’m going to break up with her” conversation and they’ll jump to her rescue, ultimately convincing you to stay, that’s a different situation entirely. Just also be aware that if she is friendly with your gang, she might hit them up for some revenge hook-ups after the break-up. No one is above it and it honestly could be applauded in some situations.
She always mentions how many nudes or dick pics she has of you
One word: blackmail. Be careful with that stuff.
She always talks about things in the future tense
The worst and trickiest parts of relationships are when both parties are on different pages. If she’s picturing a white picket fence and 2.5 children in the next few years (why 2.5, is one horribly stunted in growth?) and you’re paralyzed at the idea of what to order for dinner (hint: it’s going to be Domino’s) then you might be dealing with an ugly break-up for wasting her time or not being clear about your intentions. It really and truly sucks, and be aware of how easy it is for things said in the heat of the moment to be misconstrued and twisted in our own fickle minds. Good luck slugger.