Bros, Please Stop Saying You Have Blue Balls

by 6 years ago

Bros, let me first state that I like you guys. You dudes rock. You do cool things like work grills and toss footballs and hold beers. Often at the same time.

But all you need to stop with one thing. I doubt you think much of it, but it is gross and immature and, when you get down to it, a form of backdoor sexual assault. And there’s no reason bros shouldn’t be responsibly contributing to society (Being decent is not lame, dawg).

So everyone say it with me. “I don’t have blue balls.” And from this point on, you are never allowed to say it again. Think you are? Take our 100% accurate “Is It Okay To Say I Have Blue Balls?” quiz.

1. Are you a 16-year-old boy having your first sexual encounter?

If you answered “No,” you are both too mature and too experienced use the expression ever again.

You are probably 26. Please strip naked and look in the mirror and say it out loud. “But please, I have blue balls.” Now Vine that selfie. You have never had blue balls and you never will have blue balls and they are not a thing that exists in this earthly realm other than a method to get a girl who is hesitant about sucking your dick to go through with it.

Like I said. Pretty assault-y.

What are you trying to say with the phrase? Your testicles are so swollen with semen that if the woman you are with doesn’t fucking do something bitch your nuts will burst all over the bed and you will die of exploded nuts? In recorded human history that’s occu—no. I’m not even indulging that stupidity. All it is is a sleazy way of going about getting off and you are an adult.

I’ve been there before. I’ve had an erection and thought the girl I was with was game to screw, but I was wrong. It isn’t a thrill ride going from thinking you will come to realizing you aren’t, but—and here’s the important part—the feeling goes away.  It’s no different than when you pop a boner during a conference call and can’t jack off.

Except here you can. After you get home, or the girl leaves, you can masturbate 16 times if you want. But this time it comes with the added benefit of not making a woman do something she’s uncomfortable with. Your jerking off is contributing to society. Martin Luther Crank.

I say this tongue-in-cheek, but it’s a serious issue. It may seem insignificant, but it’s absolutely not. In most sexual encounters, especially initial ones, you (the man) hold all the power. It’s the whole bigger and stronger and running the world thing. Factor that with the serious problem of sexual assault in our society, and you really think pressuring any girl (by lying, no less) is okay? Just so you can come? No. Instead of getting a guilt-ridden blow job, try being a better person.
It may not be Bro Code, but that’s okay. Sometimes it’s fun to be a human instead.

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TAGSblue ballsdry spellshooking up