Wanna Read A Story About A Guy Who Set His Kitchen On Fire By Cleaning A Dildo? Yes? Okay Here You Go.

It’s all fun sexy times until someone sets your kitchen aflame while trying to clean a dildo. That’s how the saying goes, isn’t it? Or maybe it’s “All’s well that ends well unless you set a dildo on fire and nearly burn your house down.”

I feel like I’m missing something here, but since I’m stuck at home with a 100 degree fever the chances that I’m just deliriously typing away random things are pretty low, right? RIGHT??

Probably not. So okay here’s your story I’ll shut up now:

My wife and I had a minor argument last night, so I figured I’d start the day on a positive note. Get some cleaning done, tidy up around the house, make everything extra nice while she relaxes. Among other things that needed cleaning, we had several sex toys (silicone dildos) that we’d neglected to attend to. Wanting to be thorough, I brought these downstairs, set them in a small pot of water to boil (element on MAX setting), and headed upstairs for a moment to call my dad and wish him well. Quick convo with my dad turns into an involved talk with mom and dad, and about 15-20 minutes later, suddenly my smoke alarm is loudly going off. Having completely forgotten about the dildo boil, I casually get up and prepare to disarm the “false alarm” taking place in my house… until a huge waft of black, inky smoke winds its way around the bedroom door.

I immediately think “WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING HELL IS BURNING” and at the same time hear my wife scream ” WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!”. I rush downstairs into a kitchen billowing disgusting, black smoke, and see a massive pillar of flame exploding upwards out of the tiny pot, which by now has been boiling dry for probably a few minutes. Wife is panicky, trying to activate the (luckily right at hand) fire extinguisher, failing with it, hands it to me and I finally manage to blast the noxious dildo blaze with the entire contents of the extinguisher.

Set the scene for you… Entire house is blanketed in a disgusting, probably highly toxic smog of burnt silicone, with tiny pieces of chemical ash over everything in the kitchen… I put on two surgical masks and run upstairs to open the windows — dumb move in retrospect, could’ve passed out up there and totally died — but at least this averts everything in our upstairs being ruined by dildo smog.

And that’s why, ladies and gentlemen, you don’t run away to go dick around with your parents while you’re cleaning a dildo.

[H/T Reddit, header image via Shutterstock]