The 6 Legacies Every Bro Wants to Have
It’s a question that should nag at the heart of most Bros, because it’s better to be remembered for something (even if its something vile and animalistic like taking a shit on the steps of your fraternity house) then not to be known at all.
It’s the reason why high schools across the country give out superlatives in yearbooks. How others memorialize you is important, even at the most mundane and insignificant level. It’s an unexplainable part of human existence — we want to do something significant, something important enough that our names are synonymous with this achievement or recognition, no matter how belittling it may be.
Yes, being the common man — the wallflower of the pack — has its perks. You can go through life relatively unnoticed and unscathed from the hurtful labels and stereotypes that some receive and some are unable to escape, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. This only means, you went through life without transcending time or place. You fall somewhere on the spectrum of legacies without your name being connected to one in particular.
You didn’t do anything worth paying tribute to and therefore; your name and your face are subject to become lost eventually, with nobody able to recount what it was you did and who it is you were.
And that’s a damn shame, because every man should have a legacy, albeit there are certain tags that you would wish would come off in the shower.
Regardless, if you have been celebrated with receiving recognition for your accomplishments, whatever is they may be, you have won the most important battle — the battle for remembrance.
For those of you still fighting in the trenches, here are six legacies you should dream of one day obtaining:
1. The Bluto, or John Belushi from Animal House
It’s really sad that I felt the need to explain who Bluto is, but it’s horrifying how many bros haven’t seen Animal House. Scratch that, it’s more than horrifying, it’s disturbing and disgusting.
Anyways, the bro that can slug a bottle of Jack Daniels the way Belushi infamously does in Animal House automatically receives the legacy of being the heavyweight drinker of the pack and, potentially, the pack master, even if he doesn’t want that role. The legacy of group leader is too indefinable and varies too much from group to group to be a label here; however, the person that can swig the most is usually the respected and therefore, can always grab the room’s attention when he’s making a speech, no matter how blacked out he might be.
I only wish I could live under this title.
2. The Clint Eastwood
This is the badass type no wants to mess with, but everybody respects (a theme most of these legacies will have). Clint has made a career and a legacy of his own for being the manliest movie star to ever exist in Hollywood (Chuck Norris isn’t even close). With his no-bullshit stance towards life and his always-sneering stare, The Man With No Name will stand the test of time as Hollywood’s manliest superstar. An epitaph for any Bro that achieves this legacy will likely read “Didn’t care what others thought of him; lived life on his terms.” Is there any other way you’d want to be remembered? I didn’t think so.
3. The Van Wilder
This pertains to the guy who takes his sweet time (more than five years is required) to get his undergraduate degree in art history, or some other not challenging major, and then makes it big when he finally decides its time to be done with college. In essence, this is the guy you want to punch in the face but can’t because he’s so likable and chill.
Personality goes a long way and the bro who claims this title as his legacy is a charmer. He’s going to be successful no matter what he does and although school isn’t where he excels, or even tries, he will always find a way to get by. This is the type of Bro you’ll never have to drag home and up the stairs after a long night of drinking. He can handle his booze and a lot more.
4. The Tight-Ass
I know, I know. Nobody wants to be remembered as the dude who took himself too seriously during the best four years of his life, but if we’re talking legacy, again, it’s better to have one than not to have one. Plus, the academic type who is graduating with the highest GPA of any Bro you know is going to be extremely successful, kill it in his 20s and 30s and probably have a family and a house before any of his peers. So you may call him a loser for being such a nerd, but he will where that title with a proud smile when you’re asking for a loan a decade from now.
5. The Dude
Eerily similar to the Clint Eastwood type because he just doesn’t give a shit what others think, but at the same time, so drastically different in lifestyle and frame of mind. This is the mellow stoner type who is most likely going to end up on a bowling team wearing jellies and writing checks for $.69 in 10 years. He is a loyal friend who would do anything for you, although it may be at a slothful pace.
This is a legacy some Bros, most specifically the Tight-Ass, would frown upon someone undertaking, but screw that notion— some Bros are just naturals to become The Dude of their time and place.
6. The Tiger Woods
When I was toying with the idea of this column I wanted to incorporate a legacy for the Bro who gets the most ass, but we’ve all gotten laid at some point or another so how does that really distinguish one Bro from another? I think it’s a pretty trivial legacy or title to own, but then again that might just be me.
Obviously, the Tiger Woods is the guy who fucked the most regardless if they were a 2 or a 9 and may continue to do so for the rest of his life (see: Tiger Woods). Although seemingly gross, this is the kind of Bro that always provides the group with laughter and can always serve as the punching bag when nobody else is around to be mocked. He can take the verbal abuse and that’s a good thing for other members of the group. After all, if he was able to handle a 240-pounder, he can take on anything.
Side note: I have found the Tiger Woods type to always be extremely naturally athletic, not necessarily a professional like Tiger himself, but there’s definitely some correlation between being physically gifted and going for anything with a vagina between its legs. I’m not a researcher, but if I were I would look into conducting a study on this.