What’s up, Americans? Who out there is just psyched to go out and cast their ballot today? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Most of us put on our political pants once every two years and trudge out to the polls to vote for this country’s future. It makes us feel alive and like we’re making a difference and, honestly, warm and fuzzy in our soul.
But the voting process, like everything else in this miserable world, is not immune from annoying people who will stop at nothing to see your good time ruined. Here are eight types of human beings you’ll encounter tomorrow.
Be prepared to deal with them.
The Superfan
This guy is covered in buttons, handing out literature and actively campaigning for his desired candidate to anyone who will listen. He gives zero fucks about rules and tampering and general order. The fate of the world is at stake and he’s not going to go without one hell of a fight. He’s organizing buses, offering cookies and is all-around way too invested in what’s going on. Avoid at all costs. If he doesn’t stop badgering you, inform him you’re changing your vote to the other guy solely due to his dickishness.
The “Undecided Voter”
Four years and millions of campaign dollars have done nothing to convince this mouth-breather which candidate is better. This is the superfan’s prime target – a person so mentally weak that he’s swayed while in line to vote. He’s identifiable by his Dallas Cowboys hat and New York Yankees sweatshirt; a frontrunner to the bitter end. Realize his vote has as much important as yours and have your day destroyed.
The Old Sourdough
This guy will hang out at a polling location because, shit, he literally has nothing better to do. He’s angling for free doughnuts and cider. He’s got a hat with his old naval ship name on it and won’t stop until he gets your thoughts on the weather or local high school football team.
The Rules Lady
She’s in charge of this here voting precinct and isn’t afraid to let you know about it. Do not step out of line. Do have your identification ready. This is the highlight of her goddamn life. Humor her and let her be Queen Bee. Arguing with an old lady is never a good look, no matter how warranted it is.
The Taking-Forever Guy
This joker disappears behind the curtain and doesn’t reappear for five minutes. What’s he doing in there? Beating off? Napping? Having a last-minute change of heart? No one knows, but IT’S TAKING FOREVER.
The Idiot
Homeboy just can’t figure out anything. He doesn’t have the right forms, the right identification, or any idea how to cast his ballot. He’s too proud to ask. Five minutes later, he becomes Taking-Forever Guy.
The Ironic Voter
This asshole is voting for Ralph Nader, or LeBron James or Mickey Mouse or any other write-in candidate. He’s wasting everyone’s time to make a “statement” about “something.” Avoid talking to him about Pavement or the latest episode of “Girls” because you just don’t get it, man.
Like an overbearing girlfriend, old Johnny News will ask you no less than 34 questions about your voting experience. What is this, a pop quiz? Give short, pithy answers, leave the building, and don’t look back for four years. You survived!