The Pregame: How to Get Blackout in Peace

Being an alcoholic of Chelsea Handler proportions, you’ll be able to find an excuse to pregame pretty much anything. Besides major events like birthdays, tailgates, dates, and clubbing, short of taking the LSATs and going to our first day of work, it’s basically man– datory that we get fucked up before any and all activities. For all the drinking we write about, the pregame is the only part we can be sure we’re describing accurately, and even that doesn’t include the end. OMG, I can’t even remember leaving the PG! is a common phrase to leave a betch’s mouth.

The pregame is the thing of our generation. It’s because we don’t often drink for pure enjoyment. Instead, we drink to guar- antee that we’ll be drunk enough for whatever activity follows the pregame. If we didn’t, we would need to rely on men to buy all our drinks, and I mean, we already need them to get a house and a baby, why do we need them to get us drunk, too? That’s why all independent women pregame. So, no, Mom, I can’t just fucking drink when I get there. If I wanted to be sober around strangers, I would take a bus.

If the morning after you still have vivid memories of your time at the bars/clubs/graduation/your grandma’s ninetieth birthday party, you know you didn’t pregame hard enough. Wait, did I really ask my grandpa for a drag of his cigar last night? That’s more like it.

But more important, we enjoy the exclusivity of pregames. Who will we invite? Who will be snubbed? Facebook invite or word of mouth? This can make or break how much fun you have. Everyone knows that the best bonding occurs not over baking cakes and cookies but over the three-too-many mimosas consumed during the drunk brunch before a bestie’s birthday drunk lunch.

The best way to avoid unwanted guests at any small pregame is to say that you don’t have either enough alcohol, chasers, or room for more people in the apartment. While this is obviously not true, because you have like money, the annoying people who end up attending will probably feel bad and bring you a bottle of alcohol. This is obviously worth having them over for ten minutes before you go out. This brings us to our second strategy, which is to pre- tend that you are about to leave your apartment when you want them out. If it’s too early to say you’re heading to the bars, you can say you’re about to leave for dinner or go to someone else’s pre- game, to which you can’t invite people, sorry, because you “barely know the host yourself.”

Remember, always bring your A game to the pregame. It’s your responsibility to set an example for others, prove how hard you can rage, and fuck up anyone who tries to get in your way.

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