5 Things I Learned in Catholic School

by 5 years ago


Coming in hot!  

If you like this article, thanks for being open-minded. If you don’t, let me know, because everything on the Internet was written specifically for you.

(rolls eyes)

1. Jesus died for you

You can never, EVER make up for that. You owe Him, big time. What do you owe Him? Money works, but it will never be enough money. We’re not going to turn down the money, though. I mean, it’s for Jesus.

2. Pray for those souls in Purgatory

Because Purgatory is definitely a thing. Oh wait, we had a meeting and that guy over there said Purgatory is no longer a thing. There are no souls in Purgatory because there is no Purgatory.

There is now a Purgatory again.

3. You are a gift from God

Your body is a gift that God gave you. Sorry no you can’t make any decisions about your body, God does that. I know it doesn’t sound like much of a gift to begin with but who’s going to tell Him that? I’m sure He wouldn’t like to hear that he’s being called an Indian Giver either. He’s got kind of a temper.


“Get your hands out of your pants!”

4. The Kingdom of Heaven shall be yours

Unless you’re a homosexual or aren’t Catholic. Or if you’re an unbaptized CHILD.


“I don’t get it, I spent 5 years playing with Tonka toys and then died.”

5. Confess your every sin

That is, unless you’re that one priest who did those horrible things. I’m sorry, unless you’re one of those priests who did those horrible things. I’m sorry, one of those tens of thousands of priests.

Peace, love and hair grease.

John Hickey is a Chicago based stand up comedian and writer. Follow him @johnnyjhickey and check out his website johnhickeycomedy.com.

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