Marijuana is now legal in the nation’s capital. The freest nation in the world just became a little freer. Merica is slowly warming up to the “devil’s lettuce.” D.C. mayor Muriel E. Bowser stood by the Districts decision despite pressure from the federal government.
District residents and visitors 21 and older can now possess up to two ounces (“a large sandwich bag” according to NBC News), grow up to six plants indoors (only three may be mature), and possess paraphernalia. Legal does not mean worry free. Don’t be that Bro who attempts to burn one in front of the White House. You will be arrested. Despite legalization you will not be able to smoke in public or on federal grounds. It is still illegal to sell marijuana (but you can “gift” up to an ounce, which makes Valentine’s Day and birthdays that much easier).
Also, keep in mind that the sweet Swedish cheeba is still illegal federally, which means you could potentially be arrested by federal law enforcement. Know your rights.
With that said, now that you can enjoy that sweet legal smoke (can you say “rips for days, bro!”) you need a guide of what to do. Have you ever seen the Washington Monument, on weed?! (Jon Stewart voice). Now you legally can! Just make sure to spark up at a private residence before taking on the city.
The District is one of the most diverse areas within the country. This diversity brings delicious authentic cuisine from all over the world. What better place than D.C. to take to the streets and satisfy the insatiable hunger that inevitably develops upon smoking. Join the yuppies, politicians, locals and tourists at the numerous food trucks, upscale options and dives. One favorite among locals, celebrities, and tourists alike is Ben’s Chili Bowl. The U Street landmark serves up simple fare with a cozy diner-like setting. Their signature dish comes in the form of the “Bill Cosby’s Original Chili Half-Smoke”, which is a ¼ lb half pork and half beef smoke sausage smothered in spicy homemade chili, onions, and mustard (luckily, this sausage experience is consensual).
Doughnuts are heaven sent clusters of sweetness that can be consumed at any hour of the day, especially when good and stoned. Go have a doughnut (or a dozen) for lunch if you are feeling spontaneous. What pairs well with a doughnut? No not a glass of milk, fried chicken, of course. This is where Astro Doughnuts come to the rescue. Astro serves up a chicken sandwich on a doughnut. Choose between the classic buffalo chicken or a DMV staple, the Old Bay chicken sandwich. I can attest this will be the best chicken sandwich of your life. Leagues ahead of Chic-Fil-A, Zaxby’s, KFC, or any other excuse for fried chicken you can muster. Craving something more sweet? Try the vanilla glazed, maple BACON, PB&J, and/or the crème brûlée.
2. Live Music
The District is lucky enough to be home to a vibrant local scene and a stop for many internationally acclaimed acts. Marijuana undoubtedly enhances the senses and makes music that much better. Chills shiver down your spine as you watch in awe as your favorite musician jams. Booze and weed smoke fills the air as crowds groove for hours on end at the numerous venues found throughout the city. The intimate design of U Street Music Hall provides for some of the best vantage points at any venue, the famed 9:30 Club brings in an eclectic lineup that will be sure to house one of your favorite acts this year, Rock and Roll Hotel and Black Cat offer a slew of underground talent and the District offers numerous other venues that are worth checking out. No matter what your favorite genre is there is a show for you. For avid music lovers whom know the enjoyment of seeing any act live you will be in heaven.
3. Segway Tour
Imagine how entertaining a stoned Segway tour would be. What better way to take in the city than geekin through an entire tour all while riding a Segway with your stoned buddies and several families and other tourists. How many Bros can say they have ridden a segway? Now think how few can say they did it in D.C. after indulging in some sweet legal smokes. Half the fun will be taking in the hilarious comments from the numerous tourists. Not to mention the nerd helmets everyone are wearing and the fact you are riding a f*cking Segway! Fly past your tour guide towards the White House screaming “OBAMA!!!!” House of Cards fans will take in all the scenery with delight. Watch out for all the politicians snorting cocaine and picking up prostitutes in the light of day.
4. Museums and Monuments
Take several rips (bong rips or GBs for the economic smokers) to cure your hangover from last night’s debauchery. Cook you and your slam (if she has yet to sneak out) some bacon and eggs. Then head out to the District for an afternoon of site seeing. Take the Metro or if you want to be a real boss drive and pay for the parking. Your girl will appreciate the comfort of the car over the musty metro, which has high potential of encountering a some seedy characters. As a DMV native I can confidently say there are several entertaining museums and impressive monuments littered throughout the capital. The Spy Museum is quite an interactive experience that differs drastically from the hands off approach of many other museums. If you are taking your girl with you smoke a joint (not all girls can handle a good ole GB like us bros) and take on the National Gallery of Art. Impress her with some bullshit: “I heard there’s a rare Da Vinci sketch in the West Gallery. We should go check that out.”
5. Sports Galore
What Bro doesn’t like sports? Seriously, if you are one of these people, write me an email with a detailed reasoning as of why. With baseball starting back up come April the District will have three of the more exciting teams in their respective leagues. The Capitals are very much in the playoff hunt and have not only the goal leader in Ovi but the points leader in Backstrom. They are playing a physical brand of hockey that has lead to a ton of goals on the offensive end. Not to mention you can get TRASHED at hockey games and it is appropriate. In fact, you are expected to consume copious amounts of alcohol during the game. You are not inspected upon entering the arena and can easily sneak in a flask, full water bottle, or several airplane bottles. It is not uncommon to hear “Crosby’s a pussy!” or “Fuck Philly you trash disposal of a city.” The Verizon Center is rocking night after night!
If you want to see the World Series favorite Nationals you can for cheap. Bring a joint in a pack of cigarettes. You can easily smoke this in a friendly alley adjacent to the stadium, located in the heart of Southeast D.C. Similar to hockey you can get nice and twisted at baseball games. The beer is entirely too expensive (highest beer prices in the majors), but a flask or two is a viable option. Grab a Wednesday night ticket for $14 in right field and be prepared to see some winning baseball. Chances are you will see a world-class pitcher take the mound . Whether it’s Zimmermann, Fister, Strasburg, Gio or the newly acquired Scherzer chances are you will see some winning baseball. If you really want to go all out bring a sign reading: “Fister? I hardly even know her!” Regardless of one’s allegiances everyone can appreciate Bro king Bryce Harper hitting a BOMB into the 300 levels. Effortlessly rounding the baces as you down a whiskey that you snuck in for free.
6. DC Brau Brewery Tour
Now that weed is legal you need to figure out what brews pair best with specific strains. Should you pair an IPA with Super Silver Haze or Sour Diesel? A crisp lager with a fruity sativa or a darker indica? This is all foreign territory and something most bros should know. You want to impress your fellow stoners when relaxing at a kickback with a nice “bro, you NEED a rip of this Fruity Thai with that Dogfish 90 Minute.”
Roll a nice blunt (or two) grab a few bros and burn. Left being law and no telling stories. Just burn baby burn. Then take your blunt-laden selves to DC Brau Brewery for a FREE tour. The award winning local favorite has several different brews to quench the thirst of all those in attendance. Eliminate your cottonmouth with fan favorites The Public (rich yet semi-dry caramel pale ale), The Corruption (IPA), and The Citizen (Belgian style ale). See the inner workings of the highly successful brewery, which is a highly satisfying experience (especially ON WEED).
7. Take to the Water
The District is surrounded by water that you must take advantage of. The Potomac River is waiting to be conquered by outdoor experienced Bros and novices alike. Georgetown is right on the water and offers numerous restauratns and bars providing immaculate views for a relaxing atmosphere. Grab a drink or a meal and simply relax or if you are a more outdoorsy Bro you can take to the water in the more literal sense. Roll up and smoke on the water as you kayak by the numerous memorials that call the Potomac their backyard. Kayak past the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials. Take in the beautiful natural background provided or simply cruise up along the Kennedy Center, one of the more architectural marvels found in the city. Crave a little more physically demanding venture? Rent a paddleboard and flow past the scenery that is littered throughout the city.
8. The National Zoo
Take advantage of one of the more peaceful landmarks, the NATIONAL Zoo. This is one of the most famous and well-maintained Zoos found in the nation. This is the best of both worlds as you are transported to the wilderness without leaving the hustle and bustle of the urban environment. Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my! The Zoo is a perfect date or excursion with some fellow bros. Get high and enjoy the incredible atmosphere. A beautiful spring day awaits as you conquer the zoo. Walk around for hours for FREE. Watch the otters effortlessly glide through their enclosure, get a glimpse of lions (whom are more active in the comfortable weather that Spring in the city provides) only blocks away from the White House. Geek as a Gorilla scratches his ass or if you’re lucky throws handfuls of their own shit as you watch in awe. Gorillas are the bros of the wilderness. Similar to us all they want to do is eat, play, and fuck. Life can be so simple sometimes. The National Zoo brings this notion to life.