This gym is an odd place, because the gym is like a different world where people become a completely different version of what you may meet when outside the fluorescent lit walls of your membership to this building. The people of the gym are the same at every gym you’ll enter. You’ve seen them. You’ve been annoyed by them. You are them.
The gym is a place for people to sculpt themselves into the people they wish they were, or to maintain their outwardly image of societal shallowness. Okay, maybe that’s too heavy of a thought about people simply lifting heavy stuff, but the fact remains you cannot avoid these people if you’re willing to pay a monthly fee to be around a bunch of other sweaty people on a regular basis.
The Front Desk Worker
The almighty laser scanner of your membership card is not putting up with you trying to bring a buddy along. If you want to do that you’re going to have to fill out enough paperwork to take out a mortgage. How badly do you want to workout with your buddy? Because, this front desk worker has got texting and chitchatting they need to get back to if you’re not serious about getting your buddy past the front desk.
The Overly Loud Weight Lifter
Just in case you weren’t aware, this person is in fact lifting weights at this time. They drop the weights. They rack them with a very loud clank if needed. They grunt as if just achieving the satisfaction of the ultimate orgasm, or like they’re in the midst of the biggest poop of their life. Be proud of them. They can lift heavier objects than you, a skill only helpful when moving. They do not want to help you move, by the way.
This person works up just enough of a beaded sweat then heads straight to the mirror for multiple minutes of taking selfies and checking out their self-proclaimed progress from all the recent workouts. Once they feel satisfied with gazing at themselves and get an adequate amounts of likes from the internet, they dab their face off and head home.
The Protein Powder Shaker
A walking, talking juice bar can always be heard approaching as they shake their cute little bottle with the spring thing inside. They love to talk to you about their newest protein concoction and how much chicken they’ve eaten this week. You don’t understand how they’re not farting while drinking that and doing sit-ups simultaneously.
This person never leaves the elliptical. It’s fun to imagine them running in real life with that same maneuver that has been presumably ingrained in their muscle memory.
“What are your goals? How can I help you get there? You should eat more chicken and drink some protein. Will you pay me a bunch of money? You’ve gotta push yourself. Do you like my collared shirt made of workout material featuring the name of this gym on it? Pretty stylish I think. Will you pay me to keep talking to you while you workout?”
The “Here’s A Peek At My Privates In Case You Were Interested In Seeing Them” Person
No matter their age or body type, these people are unafraid to let it all hang out in the locker room to catch a little air conditioned breeze on their nether region. Don’t stare, even if transfixed by its shockingness, it only encourages them.
The Machine Hog
A couple of reps here and there isn’t enough to slow this person down from getting caught up on their 5,000 word New York Times essay and texting everyone in their phone. Can’t you just be patient and wait your turn? They’re in the middle of something here!
The Apparent Cyborg
This Alien-Robot-Being doesn’t do any workouts that you’ve ever seen before, thus makes you wonder if they’re even human or understand what working out is. They mostly do that thing where they make the heavy ropes do a wave motion and then throw chains around. This process clearly comes from another planet.
The Deaf Person
They have their music up all the way up and when you try to ask them a question they don’t even budge. They just keep doing whatever it was they were doing. If you somehow get their attention by waving your hands, they will remove their earbud and simply shake their head, “Yes,” even though they clearly didn’t hear what you said.
The Apparent Former Inhabitant Of The Sun
You step in the steam room and see this person posted up in the uppermost corner. You don’t know how long they’ve been in here, but their breathing seems completely normal. You barely make it five minutes before feeling like your lungs are going to collapse and you’ve sweated all the sweat you’ll ever sweat. You burst out of the room. That person remains seated, seemingly indefinitely.
The “I Really Just Want To Be Happy With Myself And If Being In This Grimy, Sweaty, Terrifying Place Is What It Takes, Then So Be It” Person
Look in the mirror. No, not the one by “The Narcissist.” This sad person is you.