There is joy in simplicity, and nothing is simpler than releasing a quart of urine that’s been backed up into a porcelain target range. While girls have to wait in line and hover over a toilet that’s so disgusting it looks like it was used for medical testing, guys have to worry about etiquette and bathroom culture. Men enter the wilds of public restrooms alone, without a pack of friends to protect them. The worst part about the men room isn’t the inch deep puddle of piss that sends drunks hydroplaning across the floor, it’s men breaking the simple guidelines of how to piss properly. When someone breaks bathroom code when you’re alone, you automatically assume you’re about to get Buffalo Billed and end up as someone’s skin suit. There are basic rules men need to follow while making your bladder gladder.
When draining the main vein, don’t touch me while I’m touching me. Just because two people are drunk and at urinals next to each other doesn’t mean you’re best friends. A pat on the back or leaning on someones shoulder is never acceptable. No matter how out badly you might need to lean, you don’t touch a fellow man while he’s holding his little man.
The #1 rule about going #1 is the One Urinal rule. If and whenever possible maintain a one urinal buffer between you and the next door neighbor. This should be self explanatory, you don’t sit next to people on a bus when that’s an option, you don’t get close at the urination station. If you stand next to a person when there is other options, you might as well tell them “I’m gonna try and stare at your dick”.
Only look while you leak. Occasionally curiosity gets the best of you. Is he a hanger or a dangler, a grower or a shower, is it true what they say about swarthy Latinos? If you’re going to sneak a peek, make sure it’s while both of you are leaking. Mid stream the only thing you’re thinking about is getting it all out, not some questionable glares down stairs from the guy next to you. Try and time the peek as the person next to you exhales and looks up.
No two-hand touch. The same rule for taking off a bra applies for when you siphon the python, if you need two hands, you don’t deserve to enjoy yourself. If you can write your name in the snow, you can paint the porcelain single handed. Two hand touchers are the same guys that get so close to the urinal their forearms touch the left over pubes. No amount of hand washing can clean that sort of shame.
Let’s play the quiet game. If we wanted to talk about our day, we’d have a girlfriend. This isn’t an ice peen social, never start speaking to a fellow urinator while he’s midstream. No ones ever walked out of a bathroom thinking “I’m really glad I met that dude, we’re going to be great friends”. You don’t share a shot with the guy who talked about his night while you were breaking the seal.
Piss shine your boots. If it’s after midnight and you venture into the bathroom, you have no right to be upset when someone’s tip tears end up ruining your dress shoes. At a certain point it’s no ones fault but your own. This is another reason why the one urinal rule exists, squishy soles feel terrible. It doesn’t matter where you are, if its after midnight expect there will be more urine on your leather than on a girls face at a fetish party.
Pissing should be a quiet time to reflect on how many beers you’ve had, not a time to chit chat with a drunk or hold him up. As soon as the fly is down, social boundaries go up. Everyone is in a smelly cramped room trying to get in and out as soon as possible so we don’t have lines. We’ve evolved 3000 years, act like it.
Bread Foster is a NYC Stand Up comedian. Follow him on twitter or see him live August 21st at Broadway Comedy Club.