New Study Says Vampires Refuse To Admit They Are Vampires When Asked If They Are Vampires

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It seems pretty crazy that in 2015, where a simple finger up the butt can determine whether you are at risk of developing colo-rectal cancer, the lone way for us to determine if a human is actually a vampire is for them to plunge their fangs deep into our carotid artery thaen transmogrify into a bat.

“Oh. That dude I’d known for five years was actually a vampire. I guess I am now to.”

The problem? Well, there’s no test to determine if you have bat blood inside your veins, and even if there were, what vampire would willingly subject himself or herself to that?

None, finds a new study.

Research led by D.J. Williams, director of social work at Idaho State University, indicated that people who identify themselves as “real” vampires – that is, needing others’ blood to gain energy – would not disclose their practices to those in the helping professions and risk reactions like ridicule, disgust and possible diagnosis of a mental illness.

The paper, published in the latest issue of Critical Social Work, a peer-reviewed journal based in Canada, found that authentic vampires as opposed to “lifestyle” vampires – black-clad figures with phony fangs – might be stereotyped by clinicians whose fields discourage biases.

LOL, they aren’t worried about being stereotyped or made fun of. Have you seen the entirety of human history? What we did to witches? You think 400 years later we’ve eliminated our desire to burn mystical figures at the stake? Fuck no. These vampires are worried about being hunted and killed. So good for them. Would you be mad at a Jew for walking up to Hitler and introducing himself?

Hell no. So don’t hate these vamps for staying secret.

The author of the study, who himself says he’s a vampire, claims they are everywhere.

Williams, who has studied self-identified vampires for nearly a decade, finds they come from every walk of life and profession, including doctors, attorneys and candlestick makers.

Most vampires believe they were born that way; they don’t choose this “They are successful, ordinary people,” he said.

Hey, we’ve already done wonders for gays and women. Maybe this is the next social equality movement.