What You Think Your Halloween Costume Says About You Vs. What It ‘Really’ Says
A good Halloween costume can be all the difference in the world between being inundated with all the candy at the end of the night and being left alone to jack your own lantern. Candy is a metaphor for sex in case I was being too subtle. I’m classy like that, and also obviously a master of language.
It seems ridiculous that a stupid costume could mean so much, but eventually we all learn that if you choose poorly, people will think it says terrible things about you. Personally, I learned this lesson when my fifth grade girlfriend dumped me because I showed up in a homemade ghost costume while one of my bros rolled in as a football star. I’m just saying, these things matter.
And they matter because while you may think that your Big Bird costume makes you look like a dude with a whimsical sense of humor and a carefree sense of fun, everyone else just thinks you’re a weird jackass. And so to help you out, and to ensure your fifth grade girlfriend doesn’t immediately dump you for your best bro (I’m not still bitter, I swear…) I’m going to tell you exactly what your Halloween costume says about you. I just want to help.
POPULAR MOVIE CHARACTER
What You Think It Says: That you are a trendsetter who understands what’s cool in the moment, and that no one will be able to resist you as you grunt “I am Groot” all night long.
What It Actually Says: You lack imagination, and are desperately chasing what you think is cool, but what everyone else is already sick of. People will think it’s mildly cute when you show up as a giant tree and announce “I am Groot” but no one wants to deal with that shit when you’re shitfaced drunk, slurring “I am Groot” and trying to get some poor lady to touch your tree root.
The same goes for all the ladies this year trying to roll as Anna or Elsa or Ilsa the She-Wolf or whoever the fuck was in that Frozen movie. Congratulations, you had the same idea as 75% of the rest of the population. Maybe you should just… let it go. I’m so, so sorry.
What You Think It Says: You’re a fun guy who enjoys getting into the spirit of things. After all, what says Halloween more than a good zombie costume? Besides, zombies are so cool right now.
What It Actually Says: You’re a lot like the dude rolling as Groot. Zombies are everywhere right now, and that means that one out of every three dudes at your party is going to be looking like an extra from The Walking Dead. Instead of looking like the fun guy who enjoys getting into the spirit of things, you just come across as that one jerk who gets way into it and spends all night clumsily pawing at everyone and moaning “Braaaaains…” because you’re the only person on earth who actually thinks it’s funny. You’re hopelessly behind the times, the sort of dude who still does Borat impressions.
What You Think It Says: That you’re a little sexy, a little mysterious, and that you’ve totally seen Twilight and are therefore sensitive as hell and not like those zombie idiots. You’re a dark soul, and only the right woman can show you the light…
What It Actually Says: That you probably hang around the local Hot Topic, trying to scam on goth girls the rest of the year. Your only sexual experience involved getting a pity hand-job in your car after a showing of Twilight, after which you cried and told the girl that you loved her. She blocked your number the next day.
What You Think It Says: You’re cute and playful and awwwww, who doesn’t love a baby?
What It Actually Says: You’re creepy as hell, and probably shouldn’t be allowed within 50 yards of any playground. If you’re a dude, there’s something the matter with you and you should be very ashamed of yourself.
There are woman out there though who will try to pull this one off – and they succeed because, well, a woman could dress in a costume made of literal garbage and people would say she came as “sexy garbage.” But no matter how cute you might think you look, the “sexy baby” is not something anyone needs. You’re getting into some messed up territory here, ladies, and while yes, we will still do it, we won’t feel good about it. That’s all I’m saying.
What You Think It Says: That you’re swaggering and sexy, maybe even a little dangerous.
What It Actually Says: You’ve seen Pirates of the Caribbean way too many times, and your big secret is that your girlfriend broke up with you because you creeped her out when you tried to roleplay as Captain Jack Sparrow. You’ve masturbated at least once to Johnny Depp, but it totally wasn’t gay because… reasons? You’re about a decade behind the times and you still use a flip phone.
What You Think It Says: I am a sexy witch.
What It Actually Says: I am a sexy witch. Probably, anyway. That’s about as complicated as our brains let us get on Halloween. But there’s a balance here. You can take it too far and leave sexy witch behind and enter I Am Making A Point About Gender Roles And I Dare You To Engage Me In A Meaningful Dialogue About Society’s Concept Of Witches And Women territory, which is fine, good for you, I’m sure you wowed all your professors freshman year, but it’s Halloween and don’t be that person.
What You Think It Says: That underneath that lame suit you wear every day, you’re actually – surprise! – a sexy badass. Because that’s not at all clichéd or anything.
What It Actually Says: That you’re overcompensating. A lot. Those fake muscles just accentuate the fact that you don’t actually have any of your own. Besides, you don’t so much look like a sexy badass as a lame dude with no imagination who doesn’t mind being called “The other Batman. No, I mean the other, other Batman,” at your party because there are 168 other dudes all dressed exactly the same. You better hope your costume is absolutely perfect because otherwise instead of being “Sexy Captain America” you’ll just be “the Captain America with the saggy ass and the weird dick bulge” because your costume doesn’t fit right.
What You Think It Says: You’re not like the rest of these lame losers. Showing up dressed as a terrorist is IN YOUR FACE and hey, man, that’s what you’re all about.
What It Actually Says: You’re a jackass. Nobody likes you, and while you might get a couple of nervous, awkward chuckles, it’s not because you’re making people uncomfortable by being in their face, it’s because you’re making people uncomfortable by displaying absolutely zero in the way of social grace. You’re an attention whore, and worse, not even a very good one. The only reason you showed up in blackface with bullet holes and a name-tag saying “Mike Brown” is because you’re sad, needy and desperate for someone to notice you. Well congratulations, they do. Now go away.
What You Think It Says: You’re the best couple ever! Aren’t you fun???
What It Actually Says: RIP testicles, you were taken too soon.
What You Think It Says: Sex.
What It Actually Says: To be honest, it kinda says that you’re trying too hard. You don’t need to dress up as something that’s overtly sexual because Halloween makes your costume sexual by default. That’s just the magic of the holiday, the reason for the season if you will. A catsuit might indeed be sexy, but it also gives off an air of desperation, which… what the hell am I saying? Who cares? Rock that catsuit, ladies. Rock it hard. It’s why the Druids invented Halloween.
Zombie image by Shutterstock